After much tossing and turning last night while the wind blew the blinds around and the thunder roared, I am surprisingly in a pretty good mood. I guess the music in the office has a soothing effect on my nerves.

I learnt something yesterday. Whether the lesson is valuable or not…is something I will learn with time.

I know the subject of my marriage is completely worn out and yet my life still has some surprises in store for me. Matrimony has ceased to be an issue for me and in all honesty…I really do think I know better now. Last year has been enough of a lesson for me. But just because I have given up on it doesn’t mean the world or the people around me have. So, the topic will continue being discussed every time something surfaces.

I know girls or at least I did grow up thinking of marriage as a necessity attaching a certain element of glamour of love to it. And despite the whimsical use of love in this context, in all practicality what I wanted or thought I wanted was somebody I could be great friends with. The idea of him being religious was a top priority. But generally the requisites are a good personality, sound family back ground, education and good professional career. I regard good sense of humor to be a definite plus.

Till last night…the idea of such a man actually existing seemed ridiculous.

And yet, today knowing that such a person actually wants to include me in his life doesn’t make any difference.

I have been objective about this…or so I would like to think.

It doesn’t matter that a person says all the right things because his saying all the right things does not make him the right person. The fact that he thinks highly of me as an individual or is aware of my idiosyncrasies and finds them adorable doesn’t help at all.

But none of that bothers me. What troubles me is how am I supposed to say no to a friend?

Three things...

Three Names You Go By
1. Betty
2. Cho
3. and I don’t mind being called Batool Fatima the Magnificent either

Three Things That Scare You
1. Peas
2. Butterflies
3. Bunny rabbits

Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Books
2. Human contact ( some days)
3. Green tea

Three Favorite Bands or Singers
1. Call
2. Life House
3. Elvis
Disclaimer: these change by the hour


Three Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Diamonds
2. Diamonds
3. Diamonds

Tell Two Truths and a Lie
1. I have a scar on my face
2. I am not jealous of Ashwariya Rai
3. I've never broken a bone

Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You
1. Knuckles
2. Ankles
3. Baldness

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Saving the universe
2. Chasing waterfalls
3. Catching shooting stars

Three Things you want to do really badly right now.
1. Slap some people really hard across the face
2. Dump Tom Welling
3. Eat a big chocolate fudge cake and gain 4 kgs instantly

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Prince Edward island
2. Prague
3. Paris

(notice how they all start with P?)

Three Things You Want to Do Be Before You Die
1. Put crackers in my ex’s pants
2. Ride a Harley Davidson
3. Become the President of United States

Noreen mailed me these poems

Candle

I watch all the ships sink in deep sea
Standing far off on the shore...
I didn't even get my feet wet, this time.

Two is a pair
Three is a triangle.

the lonely candle burns itself down
giving all of its light
and all of its tears,
melt to wax...
as it watches the pair
cuddle on the pink sofa.

you see...
to each keyhole
there fits only one perfect key.

.............................................................................

One


“Together Forever”
Read all the cards
On all the shelves
Of the little card shop.
where I stood, thinking…
with another wedding invitation in my hand.

And in a haze I was taken to the night
In the city, beside the grey sea…
In your car, right beside you on the left
Of all the dreams dreamt
In the magic of a few moments

And there could never be anything
More dear to me

I could, if you would let me
Take away all your pain
And search with you
All the answers
And bury far away all the fears
which haunt you
start anew
locking the past behind.

A lover’s arms
Is where the home is
For every soul

And you know I would
Till Life, Death and Eternity.

“Love is the silence between two people, which is not disturbing”
Read a card…


I remembered…

How we had met after months of separation
But we let silence grow that night,
We did not turn on the music
to drown the silence and keep us company
We just let the air move between us
And listen to each other breathe
In your car

But...
In Love
there is no second best
In Love
there are no consolation prizes
In Love
For each, there is only One, perfect mate.

I love you
But...
Do you?

I believe that the time I spent in university is probably one of the best periods of my life. Not that it wasn’t a difficult period…it was but the best part about my university days is the friends I made.

Ayesha, Rabia, Usman, Saba, Ahsan, Sajeela & Sidra! As corny as it sounds, I used to think of them as my lucky seven. I had some of my most memorable times with these people. And they were the reason I stayed in university. There were times when I felt I couldn’t take any more of the pressure and the cumulative effect of things at home and my inability to commit myself to serious studying almost made me drop out of university. I remember one particular day when I left one of my classes’ practically in tears and made my way to the bus stand thinking that I would leave and never come back. I still remember that Ayesha and Ahsan stood in my way and convinced me to give it another shot. To this day, I know that without Allah’s help and the presence of these precious people in my life…I would have been a failure.

I feel particularly nostalgic today. I guess probably cuz for the first time, I know that things have changed. Ahsan’s in town to attend a seminar so sajeela asked me to come see her, Rao and Ahsan in University. Rao was actually a pal of Ahsan’s from GC and I got to know him while staging one of our university dramas. He started calling me Baji while Ahsan called me ‘choti’. These days Rao is completing his M.Phil in anthropology and going to Austria for his PhD. Ahsan is leaving in August for his MS in Finance from Cornell and Sajeela recently got married and is about to finish her M.Phil in Economics. She too is planning on starting her PhD in Germany where her husband is already doing his in Electronics. We had lunch at social huts…a string of kiosks in our university where students eat very unhygienic without any hesitation and for only one reason…it tastes really good. Then we walked around the campus and caught up on each other’s life, reminisced about the good times, the sad times, times that we will never forget. And yet, even when I sat there, listening to them talk about the subjects each of them was taking for their degrees…I knew that what I had in common with them had come to an end. We share the same past but our futures have nothing in common. So many of us have already moved apart. I am not in touch with either Rabia though she teaches a few blocks from my place, or with Sidra despite the fact that we are in the same city. Saba & Usman got married to eachother and well their priorities have changed. With the exception of Ahsan & I, everyone else is married. Ahsan is going away too, sajeela is moving to Germany…

I feel essentially and remorsefully, left behind!

If nothing else, yesterday’s blog is a reflection on how incoherent my thoughts are now. And the reason is still unknown to me.

Yesterday, the office was pretty empty except for the news team. Current Affairs department is blessed by national holidays but the news team must not sleep!!!

So anyhoo, by 2 p.m. I was very very very bored. Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance had lost its appeal and nobody was online. So I ventured into the current affairs department hoping to hack someone’s computer and listen to some music. I saw Yasir sahib sitting in his usual place which was a surprise since it was his day off. Yasir sahib needs an introduction. He produces our main current affairs show and is solely responsible for all our musical scores for programs. He is also what most people call in Urdu…a ‘dehriya’. Generally its considered that he’s an atheist but I believe otherwise. He and I share one common interest…Egyptology.

While shan was here, I watched a documentary he brought about the sphinx being more than ten thousand years old, as opposed to the widely held belief that its about 4-5 thousand years old. The evidence that suggests this is erosion on sphinx’s body caused by water. Most scholars now believe the fact that the water caused the erosion to the body of the Sphinx. Egypt was subject to severe flooding, at the end of the last Ice Age, c. 15,000-10,000 BCE.

So, if the erosion was caused by water, the Sphinx must have been carved before Egypt was under water i.e. more than 12,000 years ago. This, in turn, is too radical for scholars to swallow, as they prefer not to change their theory that Khafra (Chephren) built the Sphinx. As a result, those unfamiliar with scientific principles suggested that the ground water, and not direct flooding, caused such erosion.

I think it’s a fascinating theory because construction of a massive structure such as the sphinx more than ten millennia ago is certainly capable of overwriting the history the way we have known it practically all our lives. Anyhoo, I shared the theory with him and then we started comparing our ideas on origin of life and how advanced the civilizations were before they were wiped out. The conversation naturally shifted to theology and we talked about the various concepts of seven heavens, the difference between humans and angels, and speculated about Allah’s reasons for creation of the universe. It was truly a very scintillating conversation.

After I came home…I spent some time with ammi and watched four man show…brain child of my colleague Murtaza in head office…I think it has the potential to cross Begum Nawazish Ali in terms of creativity and revenue generation.

Later I logged in and found FIR online. FIR is a very good friend of mine and only recently I came to discover that she had fallen for another friend of mine from University but it didn’t workout. Yesterday, as I started talking to her, I realized how hurt she was so I tried to show her that even in failed relationships we can find something to cherish. We talked about how glorious it feels when you first discover that you like someone and even losing your sleep doesn’t matter. And I guess most of the time, what keeps us going despite the odds, is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach.

Our first anniversary!! To think we have come all this way. I know for most people this may not be something extraordinary but for me, I think this is one thing in my life that I can be proud of. Not comparing it to the creation of Pakistan and how my grandparents often reminisced about the struggle for Pakistan…I think I kind of know now what it feels likes to become a part of a dream….nurture it and then see it blossoming into something concrete and vital.

And yes! I do think Talat Hussain is the reason we are the organization that we are. I have my differences with him but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I think he is the most competent professional I have come across so far in my life. Islamabad bureau won’t be the same without him. Aaj television won’t be the same without him.

I know for most of us…working is a day in and day out activity. In all honesty…that is what I view work in my daily grind as well. But sitting calmly and realizing in this moment of leisure…I know that I have been a part of something that made a positive impact on people’s lives. I just watched this testimonial of a man from malkot who acknowledged that it was Aaj Television’s coverage of his village’s devastation due to the earthquake that literally a stream of volunteer relief workers flooded his village and pulled out his family from under the rubble, in a place where no help had come for days.

I know that if I were probably working in some bank or financial institution, I would never have had the time nor the inclination to travel to the earthquake hit areas or visit hospitals. This job gave me my first glimpse of how truly fragile human life is and yet how compassionate humans are.

I don’t know how long I will continue working with Aaj…maybe another month, maybe a few more years…but I do hope that Aaj continues to grow and establishes itself as the best channel in Pakistan.

On that sentimental note…let’s turn to what really matters…me!

For some reason boss decided to host the live show for the Islamabad Bureau celebrations of our first anniversary and guess who was the co-host?

Yawn!

I was given only a few hours notice… and only an hour to go home and find myself a dress… so no shopping for a dress to dazzle and look stunning so instead I went for the stunned look.

And since I didn’t know any of the luminaries I was supposed to introduce I pretended to be their biggest fan showering them with platitudes. Never again will they want to be in a kilometers radius with me. Except maybe for Nargis Rasheed who made it a point to tell my CEO how vast my vocabulary was!!

Yet another tasteless encounter with my ex’s grandfather.

I finished up the recording around 11 at night…ate some and yawned some and had my picture taken with the Aaj Television staff, with boss standing right behind me and the four inch heels didn’t help.

More teasing on my scarf and boss’s shalwar qameez that resulted in my inviting moi to his second marriage whenever and with whomever it will be.

As I left the hall, I ran into uncle Mohsin from PIDE. His daughter Saba was a classmate who is MashaAllah married and settled in Chicago now. Saba’s younger sister just got married and it was her Mehndi that was taking place at the same hotel. So I made my token appearance there and wished Nida well.

I got home around midnight and was too tired to actually sleep. So I cleaned my room, washed my clothes and finally went to sleep around 2 a.m. and this woke up late for prayers.

I spent the day at office in between meetings& editing sessions and left an hour early…I desperately wanted to take a nap and somehow managed to sleep for some thirty odd minutes. Woke up and scrambled to get ready. Saddy picked me up and we went to Sana’s place…and from there we went to Pizza hut and then onto GA.

This is probably the most boring blog I have ever written. I blame it on what the old radio men called ‘a short between the earphones.

Yawn!

Frankly….all of this is beyond me.

No the world has not fallen down on me…as I often perceive that it is does from time to time. But still, I really don’t know what to make of things anymore.

It’s a simple question but I have no answer.

Who or what gave you the right to enter my life? I never asked you to come in. I let you in. Then when I wasn’t good enough, you left…just like that. And now, you think you can walk back in…just like that?

I thought you were my friend…but you never were. And now, I am just supposed to understand? Just like that?

It’s true…we never know what the day has in store for us. I certainly never expected this to happen. Yesterday, I had to stay back in office for a 30 second recording that required my presence and took around three hours of overwork. And all that time, I was sitting and staring at my computer…almost in shock. I don’t know why I was so shocked…but I was. Maybe at the sheer audacity of the whole thing. By the time I got home, I knew I was ready to breakdown and I desperately needed to talk to someone…to make sense of things. So I messged the only two people whom I thought would give me some perspective. Hassan was busy at a Majlis yesterday and through my silence, he tried to calm me down with his logic. But he didn’t know what was bothering me…maybe I didn’t know either. Then Ali called me up and somehow he truly calmed me down. Not because he had answers but because he was willing to try. And in his own way…he made me understand that I don’t have to let anyone in my life that can hurt me so terribly with simple acts of thoughtlessness.

The realization has however come too late and I really don’t know what to make of it. I just want to breathe now…

It’s a lazy lazy lazy day here!
As is valid for most Saturdays in my office, I am ruling the whole Islamabad Bureau, which basically means that I have pretty much the whole Bureau Staff at my disposal and still, it’s an empty office save the office boys and receptionist. So, I try to manage things on my own and not bother anyone else as much as I can help it.

Things have been pretty quiet lately. I got my mark sheet for CSS exams yesterday and much to my delight…my mother reported that my father was apparently satisfied with my score. And what satisfies me is the fact that I scored an A in my Economics papers, my best grade in any subject. So I guess, in a way I justified that I was once, an economics student.

Bhai has been very busy lately or rather it seems to me that he is keeping himself busy. So I see very little of him these days. When shan was here for his semester break, the whole family couldn’t get together even once due to bhai’s schedule. We are supposed to have dinner with Aban’s family tonight…provided bhai makes it back by dinner time.

Next week looks busy. Sanny’s birthday, my channel’s anniversary and a party we are throwing for Sajeela since she got engaged MashaAllah. Faiza & fariha are my only two friends from University left who are still single. I was saying to Bhai yesterday that as single girls, I feel like a species that is facing extinction. Call me an old dinosaur if you will while the rest of the world is evolving to survive this battle of the fittest.

I borrowed one of Aban’s books yesterday because I seem to have exhausted my supply of books and this month I am on a strict budget so I cant spend any money unless its absolutely necessary. The book is actually a compilation of Emily Dickinson’s poetry. I read some of her poems in college. There’s one poem that I think is agonizingly true.

The Mystery of Pain

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was it was not

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain

After two pretty hectic days at work…I am simply killing time today. Killing time…now that I think is one phrase that really should be debated and then consequently revoked.

Day before yesterday while I was going nuts Faiza and Faro decided that I needed to be treated. Honestly, that is one of the nicest things that have happened to me so far. I still am debating whether my meager success at CSS exams is an achievement or not…but there are really some people who think of it in a positive way. Aban’s father is one such person. He called me day before yesterday and reminded me that he had promised to treat me anytime and anywhere when I got my result cuz he was sure I would make it. And then when Faiza and Faro showed up, I was so happy. And then they said that they didn’t want a treat, they wanted to treat me because they were proud of me!!!

What did I ever do in my life to have found friends like Faiza and Faro? The word blessed takes on new dimensions everyday…Alhumdulilah.

Hassan got admission in Iran to study Drama and Production. Initially Noreen, Hassan and I had planned on going to Iran but Noreen’s dad didn’t approve of studies in Iran and I got busy with my CSS. I am pretty happy that Hassan got in and well I kinda wish that I had applied too. I really do need to study further.

I finally got hold of Ali last night. He had been acting peculiar lately. And knowing how peculiar he is…that’s really a statement. Anyhoo, once I calmed him down by giving him a piece of my mind…he started telling me all about his girl friend woes and I kept on thinking…what did I do to end up in this paradigm where I am classically the person my friends turn to when they have to sob about someone in their life?

The allocation for CSS wont be finalized for yet another week or so I am told. So despite the fact that I know I am not joining civil service, I still want to see where I might end up.

And finally…something I can be proud of in my life. My channel, the one I became a part of from its inception, is celebrating its first anniversary. I may not be an integral part of this organization, but it has become a vital part of my life. Its one place where I am Alhumdulilah welcomed and respected. I remember how excited I was when the test transmission went on air and I still see the visuals I made for stock shots running on the screen and think of myself as having contributed something substantial to AAJ. I don’t know how long I will work here but I do hope that this one dream of mine…lasts a lifetime.

It rained pretty much the whole day yesterday and it is still cloudy so maybe, isloo will be blessed with more rain.

Blessed…I am blessed. I know I am in every aspect of my life, from the minor to the major, I know I am…but why do I feel this way.

Yesterday, among the many congratulatory calls and messages I got, one was from our current affairs Producer Jawad in Lahore. I have known him vaguely for over a year now, exchanging views about programs every now and then. He only knew that I was supposed to be congratulated but didn’t know what for. So he called me up. When I told him that I had Alhumdulilah cleared my CSS exams…he said that I am the first girl in a very long time that he heard gave the exam and then cleared it as well. Anyhoo, we got to talking about our favorite program Doha Dialogues and he commented on how I was better read then he had originally perceived me to be. Then the conversation shifted to why I wasn’t hosting any of the programs and had completely moved to the background. The whole scarf issue followed and by the end of our conversation he said that in no other person the ‘tug of war’ was more visible then it was in me.

While Shan was here, he had brought this lecture on how mostly a person’s depression is linked to his/her aspirations for worldly goods. I think I know something about that. In my life, despite the fact that I am Alhumdulilah blessed with everything a normal individual requires for leading a normal healthy life…I am still not happy most of the time. Yes! I do have it all…but I can’t stop wanting more of this world…more of this life.

There’s a song by Call. One of its lines captured my attention instantly
نکلے جو اس ہوس میں کہ پائیں گے۔

The word used in this line that got to me was ‘hawas’. Loosely translated, it means…
‘I started off with the greed to achieve’.

Greed…the so called excessive desire for material goods. Classically, I doubt I come across as a greedy person…or may I do and I don’t realize it. But no, in all honesty…all I have ever really wanted is a comfortable life. And unlike most ambitious people, I believe I know what is truly important in life. My faith, my family, my friends, my health and my home. But I know that there comes a point in everyone’s life where the stability of these blessings is taken from granted. They’re the constants that we perceive will always be there. And that is where I am going wrong right now. And that is what has made me insensitive to my blessings.

I am a prisoner of my desires that somehow seem never ending. There is always something more that I need, want, and must get.

I have come this far in my life looking for Midas touch. And yet, there was no one lonelier than Midas.

Call me a successful failure!

I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming…what with the effort and time I put in…it was inevitable and I really should consider myself blessed.

But I am tired. I really am. Yet, life seems to have just begun. Despite my planning and otherwise strategy …life has an agenda of its own. And every time I think I can take something to be certain…it hands me another memo, always along the lines of ‘Dead End’.

So, I am out of dreams once again and yet life says that I must take this in a positive light. Everything happens for a reason, remember? I am better off aren’t I? All guarantees are not good haina?

But I am so tired and so fresh out of dreams. And everybody is asking me what my next move will be? I who am forever planning and strategizing in my mind…am left without any real thought now.

Can anyone lend me some dreams…I promise to take care of them the best I can.

SADDY GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After this very subtle expression of my joy over my dearest friend’s engagement, I’d like to take a moment to collect my memories of a very pleasant evening.


That, I think is long enough :).

Saddy and I have been friends for almost a decade now and we get along very well Alhumdulilah. However we have differed on one issue…that of our respective marriages. She always wanted to get married to someone that she knew for herself and liked. And I always favored an arrange marriage. Lately, however, both of us have revised our perspective and I am glad saddy did because from what I have seen and heard of Moiz bhai, I think he is a gem of a person.

And he’d better be!

I do think that despite all our apprehensions, sometimes we need to go with the flow because life has its own way of sorting things out on its own. True, sometimes we also need to take an initiative but that’s something we learn with time…when to go with the flow and when to put your foot down and take charge.

So Saddy! This post is for you.

You know more than anybody else how badly I want you to be happy. You also know that when you had apprehensions about the whole thing….I asked you to wait and see how things turn out and I am glad you did. Something tells me that you’re glad too.

So here’s to you and Moiz Bhai…

I won’t tell you how things will be because I honestly don’t know. And I certainly can’t give you any advice because I know that you can take care of yourself and of Moiz Bhai as well.

I hope the two of you continue to look so beautiful and happy together for as long as you both shall live.

And if Moiz Bhai ever gives you any grief… tell me. I will surely put a cracker in his pants.

Like I wrote earlier…I have been reading and watching movies. Much of the drive comes from my visit to Jia when we sat down for a heart to heart. Her analysis of me I guess what right. I do think a lot and about everything. It surprises me that despite the distance and the significant lags in our communication, she still understands me so well.

Yes I do think a lot and about everything possible. But then again, I don’t really know what else to do. I mean, doesn’t having a brain entails synthesis and analysis of the world around us and the world within?

Anyhoo, in my quest to save the few brain cells I am left with, I have been watching movies and reading books. Yesterday, I watched, to my great mortification, Brokeback Mountain. And I am going to leave it at just that!

Day before yesterday, I watched The English Patient for the first time. I know its ten years too late but somehow I never actually got around to watching it. I think I quite like the story especially the contrasting love stories of the Almasy/Katherine Clifton and hana.kip. Where one form of love completely consumed the Hungarian Count and the English lady, the other sustained and exalted two very different people. Love…there’s that word again. Augh!

Finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha and well, ever since I watched ‘Oshin’ as a little girl…I have been in love with the orient’s culture. Memoirs of a Geisha, for me at least was a very good read. It shows how a simple fisherman’s daughter became a symbol of beauty and power by overcoming the so called barriers of fate that everyone perceived she was born with.

As soon as I finished the book, I bought the DVD and watched the movie while the book was still fresh in mind. Though the screenplay somewhat varied from the book…as always, it was still a good movie and in my opinion, a zillion times better than brokeback mountain.

Shan’s here for a week and he too has brought plenty of short movies for me stay away from some impending brain processes.

These past two days have been quite thought provoking but lately I have learnt to shut out most of my thoughts. One way is by watching movies till late at night…so that I don’t think about anything at all.

That hasn’t been very successful since only now I have circles around my eyes and I look like somebody that was dragged in the office by a cat.

Day before yesterday while I was in the office, I got a call from a friend of mine. She and I have been friends since college and her mother and I are pretty close too. I had not been able to call her for a whole month what with the entire interview, khi trip and my work schedule. She sounded very upset and when I asked her, she told me that she was going through hell cuz the guy she had committed herself to for the past five years, was caught cheating on her. Apparently, he never wanted to marry my friend and had never even spoken to his family about her in the past five years. I knew she could use some company so I went to her place after work hours finished.

I know what it’s like being cheated on and lied to. But to think that she gave someone five years of her life, devotion and loyalty and he didn’t even have the spine to own up to his infidelity. Everything she was saying was an echo from the past for me. I am only too aware of the feelings that crop up after such discoveries. While I sat and tried to listen to her, knowing full well what she was going through, I knew that finding closure wasn’t going to be easy for her. The pain eventually subsides, but the knowledge of wasted time and emotions doesn’t go away effortlessly.

By the time, I went home, I was exhausted. So I watched Memoirs of a Geisha until midnight. I came to the office in the morning as per my routine and an hour later I got a frantic call from my dad sayin tht ammi (god forbid) had a heart attack. I totally freaked out and arranged for mom to be taken to the hospital while I walked there from my office. The doctor examined her and told me that Alhumdulilah, her heart was fine. Basically she is a diabetic and her blood Sugar dipped low because of the medication. However, I knew how worried my dad was, so I got the ECG done and got opinions from two cardiologists so that he would stop worrying. For me, it’s always a double whammy whenever something happens. One, cuz I am worried about whatever has happened which in this case was Ammi’s health and two, the impact the incident has on my father. What truly baffles me is how much people can ‘not’ care.

Anyhoo, after I got the medicine for ammi, I took the rest of the day off from work and went home. So, yesterday after lord knows how many days, I actually cooked a proper meal. I mean not the occasional 20 minute stint in the kitchen but proper preparation of food from deciding what to make to going to the market to get the vegetables and ingredients and cooking without worrying about office work. I used to look after my home some years back when my parents were in Jeddah and I realized yesterday that I miss being the responsible one.

In the evening when the distress of the morning had somewhat washed off I got more news that is certainly not pleasant. Should I write about it…I really don’t have the nerve. Am trying to wash it all off as it is.