It rained pretty much the whole day yesterday and it is still cloudy so maybe, isloo will be blessed with more rain.

Blessed…I am blessed. I know I am in every aspect of my life, from the minor to the major, I know I am…but why do I feel this way.

Yesterday, among the many congratulatory calls and messages I got, one was from our current affairs Producer Jawad in Lahore. I have known him vaguely for over a year now, exchanging views about programs every now and then. He only knew that I was supposed to be congratulated but didn’t know what for. So he called me up. When I told him that I had Alhumdulilah cleared my CSS exams…he said that I am the first girl in a very long time that he heard gave the exam and then cleared it as well. Anyhoo, we got to talking about our favorite program Doha Dialogues and he commented on how I was better read then he had originally perceived me to be. Then the conversation shifted to why I wasn’t hosting any of the programs and had completely moved to the background. The whole scarf issue followed and by the end of our conversation he said that in no other person the ‘tug of war’ was more visible then it was in me.

While Shan was here, he had brought this lecture on how mostly a person’s depression is linked to his/her aspirations for worldly goods. I think I know something about that. In my life, despite the fact that I am Alhumdulilah blessed with everything a normal individual requires for leading a normal healthy life…I am still not happy most of the time. Yes! I do have it all…but I can’t stop wanting more of this world…more of this life.

There’s a song by Call. One of its lines captured my attention instantly
نکلے جو اس ہوس میں کہ پائیں گے۔

The word used in this line that got to me was ‘hawas’. Loosely translated, it means…
‘I started off with the greed to achieve’.

Greed…the so called excessive desire for material goods. Classically, I doubt I come across as a greedy person…or may I do and I don’t realize it. But no, in all honesty…all I have ever really wanted is a comfortable life. And unlike most ambitious people, I believe I know what is truly important in life. My faith, my family, my friends, my health and my home. But I know that there comes a point in everyone’s life where the stability of these blessings is taken from granted. They’re the constants that we perceive will always be there. And that is where I am going wrong right now. And that is what has made me insensitive to my blessings.

I am a prisoner of my desires that somehow seem never ending. There is always something more that I need, want, and must get.

I have come this far in my life looking for Midas touch. And yet, there was no one lonelier than Midas.