Oblomov, a byword in Russian literature for inertia is what I would use for myself.

I am fine, honestly. There is nothing wrong with my life Alhumdulilah. I am alive, healthy, working and planning a vacation. Alhumdulilah, my family is fine, we all have promising careers Alhumdulilah, and we are all healthy Alhumdulilah. I am blessed with friends who talk to me; listen to me and pretty much let me be the person I am. Sometimes, I honestly feel I am the luckiest person on this planet.

But why is it that I always seem to strive for the wrong things in life? Why is it that my prayers are generally for the wrong things? I think I am educated well enough, and generally come across as a sensible person so why is it that I cant stop myself from making mistakes?

We all have our own worlds. Each and every one of us has one; every person related to them has his/ her place in that world. And in our world, we are the most important persons. And our world is essentially made up of our dreams and our desires. For us, the reality is our drive, the truth is our perception. The ‘given’ and ‘granted’ is never sufficient, but rather what we achieve is what makes our world. It’s a world where the will doesn’t affect matter but what matters is our will. And in this world, we are the constants while everyone else and everything else is a variable.

I know, ego is hateful.

I am lost in the chaos and yet I am the chaos! I think that’s obvious. Why? I don’t really know?

Probably because I thought I had figured myself out, I thought I had found a pattern in life, I thought I had found a meaning to my existence.

And yet, its all so senseless, my life, my self and my existence.

But maybe, just maybe, that is the real struggle in my world, to create beauty out of this chaos.