I’m tired!!!
How’s that for a start? I really am very tired. Have had a very busy week and the coming month is busier still. I have given my psychological tests and I think this time I wasn’t able to fake sanity. I have my Interview for civil service scheduled for 14th February (yes! Valentine’s day!! And to think I used to complain that my valentine days were always boring). My medical test is on the 25th and on the eve of 20th I am going to khi with Saddy. Bulletins have started from our bureau and needless to say that is taking my time as well. And lets not forget that I enrolled in a French language course.

And yet, despite the fact that I am so busy…I have never been so alive otherwise. Yes! I am worried about my result…yes! I have never wanted anything as singularly as I want this to work out…yes! I know it’s a long shot and there are more deserving candidates than me…yes! I never really thought I’d clear the exams at all and now that I have, I am driven to give it all that I have…yes! Right now, this is the one thing that can make me perfectly happy.

What is perfect happiness?

I know…being posted in France and cruising around French villages in my convertible. Just me, all by myself.

The psychological test was incredibly tiring. And for some reason known only to them, they wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life. My financial status, that of my family’s over the years, my friends, their religion orientations etc. They left nothing out. And yes! I was asked about my engagement, and my fiancé’s occupation etc. I crossed it and wrote ‘not applicable’!

There were eight people in all, including me. There was one girl who is Shan’s friend's girl friend. She is obviously younger than me and I was thinking, wow! She actually has a love life! The guys in my group were all from Faisalabad. It was interesting lot, I like people who can speak Punjabi so unreservedly with the proper accents and loud guffaws to accompany the words. However, I somehow felt ’removed’ and distant.
Sounds weird doesn’t it?
Let me explain. I have had a very privileged up-bringing. By privileged, I mean I have lived in good peaceful cities my entire life and I am Alhumdulilah blessed with a family that has always looked out for me. Pakistan, on the other hand, is a country with many aspects, not all of them can be termed idyllic. We have problems such as illiteracy, women are still scorned and considered commodities, there’s feudalism, there are heinous acts carried out in the name of honor, religious fanaticism. I am not saying that this is prevalent all over my country, but we still have some dark corners. So, anyhoo, we were given a topic to discuss, that of the marathon comprising of both men and women which was a big issue recently. I was in favor, something guys on my panel were against. Then while we were discussing feudalism, I said that to me feudalism was a perception, something we still accepted as true and valid. What I meant to say was that it is alive because we still justify it and accept it and not do anything to eradicate it. The boys thought I was saying it didn’t exist. In truth, it doesn’t exist for me, except in books and stories and some isolated incidents.
I live in a different world altogether.
The interview with psychologists was well interesting in its own way. I was asked about my work, my family ( as expected) and then I was asked about my opinion on Iran’s nuclear plan!!!!!!!! Current affairs…psychology? Does that make any sense? And then I was asked about my scarf!!!!!!!!
Let me make a statement here…once and for all. All I am looking for is acceptance. Acceptance of my right to dress as I feel comfortable. Acceptance of the fact that I am strong enough to wear what I believe is right for me. I think it should reflect on my personal strength that I willingly don’t look good. It’s killing one of my basic instincts everyday. Every single day and it’s not an easy battle. And I have confidence in my abilities that I am a capable, functioning person and my scarf doesn’t limit my thinking abilities.
An has been moved to the evening shift, which means that I have to be here, right on time to make the daily coverage schedule. Which also means no extra fifteen minutes of sleep!

His Majesty King Abdullah is on a two day official visit to Pakistan. I respect the guy for purely religious sentiments but please!!! Don’t come again. We don’t need to be stuck in traffic for hours and the entire city doesn’t need to come to a standstill because our rulers are paranoid when it comes to security arrangements. Next time you want to meet us, invite us to come over. I promise you we will be no trouble at all.

Lets have coffee, shall we?