There are mornings that dawn with the promise of a beautiful day. When staying in the bed, stretching your limbs feels delicious and even if you’re running a little late, you still linger a while longer in preparing for the day, taking extra care in your appearance. You know that there are six billion people in the world but that day, flowers bloom just for you. You delight in everything around you. Devoid of make up your face seems new to you, its contours more defined, your hair even when it’s messed up seems just right. You sing because your heart commands you to. And even though your reflection is nothing new to you…you still find a reason to smile.

And then there are mornings such as the one today, the weather’s perfect but inside, it’s all autumn. And you wake up early because the moment there’s a lapse in your sleep, memories start haunting you once again. You try to push them away, but they know exactly where to get to you. You get up with one valiant effort; tell yourself that you will make it through the day that you’ve been through worse. You know that today, you will be just another face in the crowd…easily forgotten. You still try to find clothes that may cheer you up, try to brush your hair to make yourself feel better. You put on a little more make up than usual to hide the blemishes, put on some music but your heart just doesn’t respond. Nothing helps. You try to smile but it never reaches your eyes. And your reflection becomes just that…evidence of the emptiness inside.

Would it make sense if I said that I feel vacant?

If every step I have taken has been towards my present situation…would it make sense if I said that they too have all been wrong?

And if I am the master of my destiny…would it make sense if I said I haven’t really acted like one?

If my beliefs define who I am…would it make sense if I said that I don’t want to believe anymore?

And though I know exactly where I am, would it make sense if I said that I am lost?

If being alone doesn’t mean that I am not lonely, would it make sense if I inferred otherwise?

And if goodwill is gained by good actions, would it make sense if I said I lost it through one good action?

I can’t help but thinking…what if it was me?

I spoke to Amjad last night. We’re not friends in the classical sense…but we trained together in Karachi for our jobs and since he was from Punjab like me, he looked out for us out station trainees. In fact he arranged for our trips to Hawks bay, took care of the transportation and everything. All in all, he’s a pretty nice guy.

For the past few weeks, whenever I saw him on Television, I used to see how weak he looked and I commented as much to An and Shakeel. Last evening, Shakeel messaged me to talk to Amjad. He has been diagnosed with Leukemia…Blood Cancer.

There are times when you cant quite put your finger on the emotion. Am I worried? Am I shocked? He’s so young…only a year older than me. And he was one of the healthiest guys in our batch…tall and strong…the sort that looks like he’s never even had Flu for a day. And he hasn’t even told his mother yet. He said he didn’t know what to tell her.

I told him I would pray for him and that inshaAllah he will come visit us once he’s cured. And I’ll surely attend his wedding.

But how do you go from planning your life, your career to planning your treatment and operations?

How much time do we really have?

I was never particularly fond of Emily Dickinson’s poetry especially around the time I was studying for my Masters in English Literature. Probably because I hadn’t read all of her poetry. Lately thanks to the online library I’ve found, I believe I have come across a few poems I really like. Here’s one of them…

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!

It's my blog and i will cry if i want to...

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

As anyone can see, the camera quality leaves much to be desired. However, it's my first cowboy hat!!! yeeehaaaaaaaa!!!

Yesterday, I watched Erich Segal’s Only Love on Hallmark. I read the book while I was in college and watched the movie some five years back. I remember the story touched most of my friends…Shifa in particular. I guess I was still in my tomboy mode and thus it didn’t register on me as something great.

I am however, not that girl anymore…in fact, I am hardly a girl anymore…as my mother pointed out with reference to my age yesterday. In any case, though the story was sadly touching…it really got me thinking about how much the world emphasizes on love while in reality it does everything to either alloy it or destroy it.

I believe almost every individual is at least at some point in his/her life, in love with the idea of love. I know I have been and at times, still am. The idea of finding someone and being someone that makes everything alright is simply mesmerizing. Maslow may not have been forthright but the need to belong can be linked to finding love and being loved.

I have come across various love quotes…such as ‘to the world you maybe someone, but to someone you maybe the world’. Another one I remember is this little rhyme…
Unremembered and Afar…
I watched you as I watched a star
Through darkness struggling into view
I loved you better than you knew.

And I read that the greatest compliment you can give a person is…
‘Because of everything you’re…you’re essential to my happiness’.

I admit being in love as well. And I will confess to a secret here…something I doubt I ever told anyone. Around the time I nearly got married…I wanted to give Umar something very special…something more than a perfume. I figured I had my whole life to buy him perfumes.

So I settled on the idea that I will buy him a compass and get in set into a silver fold…and inside I wanted to get this prayer engraved…
‘May you always find your way back to me’

Not very romantic...but it was the best I could think of.

So I was thinking…what can be considered the greatest love story I have ever read. Romeo and Juliet make a great stage play but somehow it has registered more on me as a rash act borne out of adolescence. Shakespeare will have to take a backseat here.

I have also read our folk lores of Heer Ranjha…where the beautiful Heer fell in love with Ranjha and though Heer marries another out of parental pressure, her love is so strong that she runs away with Ranjha and while she is being chased by her kinsmen, she asks for the earth to swallow her…the earth opens up and takes in both Heer and her beloved.

And that’s not the only story we have…Sassi Punno, Umar Marvi, Sohni Mahiwal…all our the rich folktales of love that we Pakistanis are all familiar with.

I sometimes wonder if their love could have survived marriage and in laws…outlaws as I generally refer to them now.

In my opinion…the greatest love story I have read is House of Mirth by Edith Wharton.

“The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth”

It’s a beautiful quote and an accurate description of the novel. I confess that by the end of it, I am always sobbing.

I believe a lot has been said about love…my blog can never do this subject justice. It’s too engaging…too consuming. And Erich Segal’s character Sylvia said right…

‘Poets say it better than us…Damn them!!!’

I spent the evening yesterday watching Four Weddings and a Funeral. First time I watched the movie was when it originally came out. Yesterday was the second time though I still remembered most of the story. I just couldn’t resist laughing at the question…why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married? Now there’s a question to ponder over.

Still humming love is all around me….

In my good mood yesterday, (ok I admit, I had nothing else to do), I went up to cookie who spends her time in the attainment of Nirvana. I am talking about my pet chicken by the way, I sang to her. She was sitting on her ledge; looking so peaceful…I thought she needs some chaos. And nothing is more chaotic than my singing. I sang Boyzone songs, I sang Bon Jovi, I sang Aitebaar by Vital Sings even…and she kept looking at me…I am not really sure I am good at describing chicken expressions. But I did get casual ‘kookok’ out of her after every song.

Football mania’s at full peak and I am favoring England purely out of my colonial loyalty. Nothing to do with Beckham...thank you very much. Germany’s up today at six p.m.

Nearly done with Gone with the wind book, after having read Scarlett. I really wanted to know if Rhett and Scarlett patch things up. I wish Scarlett hadn’t been written. Somehow, it’s just not at par with Gone with the Wind.

Note to self: BUY BOOKS!!!!

Betty’s a mess today.
Heard that before haven’t you? But I am…I am.

For the past more than a few days…in fact ever since I had the scaling done on my teeth and was spitting blood out like I had just gotten out of a boxing match…my teeth have just been hurting at regular intervals. Not only that, the doctor warned me that the freak that I am, with a mouth full of extra molars, the walls of my mouth (whatever the correct terminology is) will be injured from time to time due to their pointy protrusion. Well that has happened twice in the past month, meaning that I can’t even open my mouth properly. Chewing is entirely another issue. And given the fact that my appetite is roused every time I see haleem or nihari, the usual lunch in my office…I can’t eat anymore than a few niwalas before my teeth protest and my mouth starts hurting.

Even this morning, since I was late…another story altogether…An had ordered donuts for me from Rahat…and I couldn’t eat them. Life’s ironic…ain’t it? There are people starving because they don’t have food to eat…I am starving b/c my mouth’s giving me an attitude.

I really should have the extra molars taken out…but right now, taking days off is not possible. My promotion (one that has come in effect without documentation) is due next month and I have my fingers crossed for an increment. Not just that, I want to take days off when the family and I can go somewhere for a much needed family vacation.

As for this morning, rather a couple of mornings…I haven’t been able to wake up in time for my prayers. In all honesty, I hardly ever miss my Fajr prayers…but in the past week, I have only been able to wake up once for my prayers. And that alone makes it more times than I have ever missed my prayers in a single year. What bothers me is that this has been my routine for a good four years…that’s not an easy routine to be broken. And I very very rarely miss my Fajr prayers. Plus last night, Bhai and Aban were out as usual for a dinner and called me a lil’ before mid night to open the door in ten minutes…I was so sleepy, I mumbled an affirmative and fell asleep again. Thirty minutes later I woke up, rushed down and saw the door was locked…meaning that they had come in. Lights were on in their room and I am sure they’re angry at me for being so irresponsible.

I don’t know what’s coming over me.

There’s a part of me that radically wants to turn around…turn my life into the dream I had. I am nearing yet another birthday…Lord knows how many I have left.

Every time…every single time I think of the life I want…my dream so to say…I think of the person I once was. The girl I used to be who stood in a lonely corner of a mosque looking out to the sea drenched in moonlight…praying. I think of the girl sitting and crying in the Hateem, who somehow believed that things will turn out beautifully if she said the right words…made the right moves.

During the budget transmission, I worked till late in the evening. Shan picked me up and since it was time for Isha Prayers…we went to Faisal Mosque. Evenings in Islamabad have been pleasant lately. That and the proximity of the Masjid to margalla hills made the place appear more comfortable. I sat on the steps next to an old lady…and much to my surprise…there were a fair lot of people there. Most of them visitors from other cities…but it was heartening to know that there still people who prefer coming to mosques.

As I sat in the masjid…I had this overwhelming feeling of somehow being in a place where it was alright to be every bit of a person I am. Tears came naturally.

I believe when a person reaches a point when they know that they need to do something outstanding to put some meaning into their life…they need to start an internal accountability process. Find out where and what they did wrong. What needs to be changed…it requires strength and that only comes from within.

The thing is…I am through thinking. I am through writing. I am through wishing my life will take a positive turn. I am through hoping for miracles. This is my life. My circumstances won’t explain my existence…my actions will. Just And I can’t postpone life….can I?

What is your dream ?
Ali asked me the other night and I just couldn’t come up with an answer. So I tried to counter the question by asking why I needed to have a dream at all. His answer was straight and simple…it sustains you.

This isn’t the first time someone has asked me this question. Lord knows I ask myself this question practically every day. I believe my life was easy once, defined in its silhouette if not in essence. It had a pattern without my making much of an effort to define it. Primary school led to high school, on to college and University. Half of the time, I didn’t even decide my subjects…they were decided for me. I guess that’s where my problem lies…it was easier being told…and when and if things got out of control…I had someone to blame.

Now I stand at a point where I need to not only make a decision but have the responsibility to see it through. Ali rightly guessed that my problem is that I am in this comfort zone where even though I know I can be happier than I am now…I am too comfortable to actually do something and make my life the way I dreamt it to be.

That’s not my only problem though. Saniya said that I lack the inner strength to see myself through a lot of things. I agree. More than that…I don’t know what kind of dream is right for me. Should I pursue intangible dreams…or do I mark targets such as being able to buy a car by the end of this year.

I have had impossible dreams and somehow I know that my pursuit for a comfortable life won’t make me any happier. I am already comfortable Alhumdulilah. But how do I break this mould? How do I sever the dreams of material gain from my dream of a peaceful life?

Somehow I know that our dreams become our addiction. They can be in form of our obsession with acquiring a certain skill, a certain station in life and sometimes it manifests itself through our pursuit of a certain person. I have seen people following all three kinds of dreams and none of that is sustainable. And there comes a time in your life when you don’t remember your dreams…they’re replaced by your memories. And that is the time when regardless of your physical age…you’ve grown old.

I have reached that point!

But I want to turn back. No matter how superficial dreams can be…I still want to dream. And I want renewable dreams…I want more than just merely exist…I want to live!

Isabella Adjani said once:
‘I'm in an agreeable state: busy, enthusiastic, curious’
I have been very busy, enthusiastic and curious these past days so I guess I have been in a very agreeable state. Budget 2006-07 is finally out and this sole document has kept me working 12 hours a day without a weekend for the past few days. I like being busy but the quiet that follows this whirlwind routine is often quite deafening. You go from being a valuable employee of your organization to being just you!

I have attended too many press briefings by finance minister for my taste. And it is days such as these that I realize why economics never appealed me. It’s so clichéd. I asked the state minister about the growing poverty in the country…and his reply to me was that in six years, the percentage has come down from 34% to 23%. You express poverty in terms of percentage? Can you reduce people to numbers? And then he went on to admit that inflation is on the rise. How can poverty be reduced if the prices are climbing?

As anyone can see…I’m a mess! Every time I take time to read my previous posts…I see how this blog is a container of emptiness. But I am determined to be happy and get out of this succession of busy nothings.

A few days back bhai and I got to cleaning his room to convert it from his bachelor pad to the room Aban had left behind. It used to be my room before the couple moved in and I had left quite a few things behind in the closet. I finally took them out and found a few books I thought I had lost..all my old note books from my university days and a scrapbook my juniors had made for me. It’s an old QAU tradition. Scrap books are made for all students of the outgoing batch and placed in the department so anyone who wants to write something about the person has access to them.

Mine was made in a particular style of a scroll…instead of the usual folder. And it was done in black and gold…black being my signature color in university. There were many interesting comments and from some very interesting people. I had a great time going through it.

Aban is going to be here tomorrow. Something I guess my entire family has been very eagerly looking forward to. Amrat and I plan on taking dancing camels and monkeys with us and preparing special turnip dishes for our Princess!!! She’s gonna disown us alright!

1st June, 2006
Five months of year 2006 gone. Where? I have no idea.
I started blogging a year back on my first blog and reading back on it…I see only darkness. I am glad that phase of my life is over, even if the hurt sometimes makes its presence known.

I had made some New Year resolutions beginning of this year. About time I reviewed them.

1. Start Driving
In the past six months, I reversed the car once out of my porch…so that’s a definite start!
2. Travel
Saddy and I traveled to Karachi and Hyderabad…so not bad!
3. Have a Crush
Now there’s one area I have been very successful at. I have had many crushes and for the first time in my life, I had one on a person within my city and somebody I could actually see and talk to. And not just that…I believe I am in love!
4. Get a Haircut
This is debatable! I tied my hair in a pony, gathered it in my hands and let the scissors do their magic.
5. Not get married.
. I am particularly proud of myself in this quarter. Not only did I not let any ‘aunties’ enter my home to ‘check me out’, I have very successfully thwarted all possible hopes that anyone might have had of my ever saying yes to them. I knew I had at least some fraction of control over my life.
6. Grow five inches taller
I am still dreaming!!!
7. Look stunningly beautiful
I believe I have been partially successful at that. Though I didn’t look beautiful even once during the past six months…I did manage to look stunned. I claim 50% territory of the alien state!
8. Buy the Ballerina Painting
God damn these wretched capitalists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!