So I’ve made my decision!

They say that do one thing everyday that scares you. I decided to join civil services for all the reasons it scared me to join civil service. I was scared of away from being away from the people I love, doing something as boring as accounts, scared of the atrociously low salary that the govt. officers are expected to survive on…scared of not being close to the one person who means more to me than anything else in the world…I was so scared…and I still am!!!

But they say that when you’re scared of the monsters in the closet…you need to muster up the courage to go and open the closet and see for yourself what is really there.

So I decided to do just that!

I still don’t know how this will work…I very honestly don’t!!

But I have made my decision. I hope Allah sees me through this…as He always has!!!

I went home this weekend and next week, saddy’s dholki’s are starting. Eagerly looking forward to that. I have selected my clothes already! I just have to manage how I will travel to Isloo from Lahore. My term ends this December inshaAllah.

Today my military attachment started and what I love the best is their tea breaks!!! Their snacks are better than the food we’re eating at CSA!

Other than that, we visited the Tenacious Ten and went onto the Army Aviations HQs. I sat in Mushaq and a helicopter! And it was fun!!

I still have 19 more days of military attachment and I resolve to have as much fun as I possibly can...inshaAllah : )

Sometimes I wonder how I reached this point. Only a month back, I was the girl who stood to lose nothing. I had two jobs to choose from…both seemed like excellent options. Maybe they still are…but I am tired of this constant battle inside me. I am tired of this never-ending debate that remains inconclusive. And I am running out of time.

I spoke to Yasir Sahab…we met in Lahore as we were interviewing Karen Armstrong. After the interview, he walked me to my dad’s place and I told him all that has been on my mind. And he said “Girl! I can see what a dilemma you’re in!!!” his advice…take a risk or work with the people who have taken a risk.

Saddy says that I sound unhappy. And I guess I am. Day in and day out, I sit in a class, listen to people go on and on about Lord knows what and I can barely keep my eyes open.

I miss home!!

And even though I am getting to play tennis…that I can do back home with a little time management.

Stability? Is civil service really offering me stability when I am going nuts here! And this job has only just started.

Do I really crave excitement? Yes! Sometimes I do. But really, what I want is to go home to my family in the evening.

I remember, back in Beirut, after the day’s work was done…I’d come back to an empty room…and think…what am I doing? And here, I have set myself up for another ordeal. I like my room mate…but honestly…everything that I am sacrificing…is it really worth it?

And I don’t to be in a place where I can’t hang out with my friends in the evening. Here, I feel caged!

But am I being too hasty or too emotional? Or am I being too objective…too practical? Why must my decision be either of the two?

Earlier, I was in a place where if people weren’t very appreciative…they were still not rude. Here, I seem to have entered an arena of egos!

I have only a few days left before my leave at aaj expires. I need to make a move now! I very seriously do.

Allah ji!! I haven’t been a good girl…but stand by me…please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!