Sometimes I wonder how I reached this point. Only a month back, I was the girl who stood to lose nothing. I had two jobs to choose from…both seemed like excellent options. Maybe they still are…but I am tired of this constant battle inside me. I am tired of this never-ending debate that remains inconclusive. And I am running out of time.

I spoke to Yasir Sahab…we met in Lahore as we were interviewing Karen Armstrong. After the interview, he walked me to my dad’s place and I told him all that has been on my mind. And he said “Girl! I can see what a dilemma you’re in!!!” his advice…take a risk or work with the people who have taken a risk.

Saddy says that I sound unhappy. And I guess I am. Day in and day out, I sit in a class, listen to people go on and on about Lord knows what and I can barely keep my eyes open.

I miss home!!

And even though I am getting to play tennis…that I can do back home with a little time management.

Stability? Is civil service really offering me stability when I am going nuts here! And this job has only just started.

Do I really crave excitement? Yes! Sometimes I do. But really, what I want is to go home to my family in the evening.

I remember, back in Beirut, after the day’s work was done…I’d come back to an empty room…and think…what am I doing? And here, I have set myself up for another ordeal. I like my room mate…but honestly…everything that I am sacrificing…is it really worth it?

And I don’t to be in a place where I can’t hang out with my friends in the evening. Here, I feel caged!

But am I being too hasty or too emotional? Or am I being too objective…too practical? Why must my decision be either of the two?

Earlier, I was in a place where if people weren’t very appreciative…they were still not rude. Here, I seem to have entered an arena of egos!

I have only a few days left before my leave at aaj expires. I need to make a move now! I very seriously do.

Allah ji!! I haven’t been a good girl…but stand by me…please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!