Every time I look at you
the world just melts away
All my troubles
all my fears
dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course
you hold the line
you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire
you save me
you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy
but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
just to see how far you will go
You won’t stoop down to battle
but you never turn to go

There are times I can't decide
when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy
when otherwise Id drown
But you pick me up & brush me off
and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

Thank you for seeing me through this as well. I know everything i have, everything i am is your blessing.

I have a Choice to make.
I have been meaning to buy a new cell phone for a while now. My reasons are simple. I want a better one. The one I have right now is a Samsung X430 and I have had it for over a year now. It has been a medium of many delightful conversations and some that really should be forgotten. But through this one year, it has been a very loyal accessory. It’s sleek and feminine. It’s a silver flip phone and when I bought it, I basically spent a month’s salary on it.
My other choice is a Samsung D500. It’s expensive and I really will be overspending if I buy it but I can go on a budget and make ends meet. But it has every thing. It has a good camera and I can make videos as well. It has an MP3 players, Infrared, Blue tooth, the works It’s Navy blue and it’s a slide phone. basically, it’s the cell phone I have wanted for a long time now.
But I can’t make up my mind.
On one hand I have a cell phone that has given me quality service but compared to today’s phones, it’s simple. On the other hand, I have today’s phone and if I stretch my limits just a bit, it can be mine. So what’s the fuss about anyway?
I know this will sound absurd but the truth is that it’s not the only choice I am confronted with. On one hand I have someone who is not the person I want but the sheer fidelity of the pursuit touches my heart. And still it’s not enough. On the other hand, I have my dream which is quite improbable at this time but I am willing to stretch my limits. Something in me pushes me to go further.
I know that sometimes the available option is the best option but not the option we want. And I know that sometimes the very thing we are looking for is the one thing we cant see. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to make a decision.
I wish I had a clue.

I did something this morning I have been dying to do for the past six months. There was something that I needed to know but never could summon up the courage that was required. Every time I thought about finding out the truth, I always feared that the knowledge could kill what little I had left of my hope. Truth is brutal but the pursuit of truth is equally agonizing. This morning I came to office early and I remembered another Saturday six months back when I had come to office early, just like today. And I couldn’t help thinking what a contrast this morning was.
Opportunity struck and let no one say that I am a fool who let it go.
I didn’t get the answer I was looking for, not even close. But the fact that I am strong enough now to face my fears is very uplifting.
I just cannot stop smiling for some reason.
.

Last night I went to bed a little melancholic. Yeah I know, I always am. But that’s why this post is going to be different.
So, as I was sayin’ I went to bed a little melancholic and couldn’t really see my future unfolding the way I wanted it to. Then as I was gazing into the flames of the heater in my room, I realized what a blessing it was that I had one in my room. That I had a room, filled with pictures of my loved loves and books that I enjoyed reading. My family members were peacefully asleep in their rooms and the only thing that was stopping me from sleeping peacefully were my own woes. Not only that, I am a thoroughly blessed person. I was born in a muslim family, a family that has always stood by me. I have friends that I can call up any time and discuss just about anything. I have a job that I like, a good boss who has never actually bossed me around. I am physically healthy Alhumdulilah and though I am generally melancholic, I do have these moments where everything seems just fine.

Honestly I want for nothing.

So why is it that this one thing, one thing only that is missing from my life, makes me so blue?

I realized last night that happiness is like a door. And I am standing there thinking that I don’t have a key to enter. That everything in my life has to be complete and perfect for me to enter. What I don’t realize is that the door is open. All I have to do is turn the knob and step inside.

All of us can only be showed the door. It is really our own choice to walk through.

The way we were, in my opinion is a classic movie starring Redford and Streisand. The plot involves these two people who are really socio-poltical opposites. Streisand is interested in politics and Redford is in Military. Streisand lives her beliefs and Redford is only concerned with Sports. And well, opposites attract.

But the story isn’t that simple.

Redford plays Hubbel who is challenged by Katie but I don’t know if he really fell for her because he knew she loved him genuinely. Though their relationship was based more on her attraction to him than his to hers he never really felt comfortable with her.

And the story ends with Hubbel marrying an unassuming, pretty and simple girl. At the end of the day he only wanted someone who was appealing enough to keep him interested and simple enough to never question his choice of lifestyle.

I am writing about this movie because this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. And it’s not just my dilemma. I see many of my friends contemplating the same thing. Really, in love and relationships, is it better to be a simple person?

Contrary to popular belief, love is not the only reason people should get married. Circumstances do determine the nature of our love and the feasibility of our relationships. But they only complicate the love story, and never actually makeup the real thing.

The problem with girls like me is that we instantly see people as so much more than what they really are. Take for instance, the movie Jerry Mcguire. Dorothy Boyd falls for Jerry instantly and when she confesses to her sister that she loves him, she says this in these words ‘I love him, I love him for the man he wants to be and the man that he almost is’.

Is that the pressure that we are putting on people? Do we pressurize them into becoming the people we believe that they can be?

I wish I had an accurate answer to this. I do know this from personal experience though that generally the actions of all girls are the same. We do everything we believe is necessary to sustain a relationship. What we do maybe wrong but our intentions never are. The only difference between Katies and Mrs.Hubbels is that Katies make conscious decisions. And that to all the Hubbels is scary.

I maybe wrong and I hope that I am. But for some reason, these lyrics ring right.

There’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know, its their heart you cant touch
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they’re
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

A few days back, Saddy and I went for lunch after a long time. I remember as were waiting for food to come, Saddy and I started talking about fairytales. I remember reading fairytales as I was growing up. Then in fifth grade I watched ‘the Little Mermaid” cartoon movie by Disney. Needless to say, I was fascinated by the story. Love triumphed against all odds. But it wasn’t love that fascinated me, it was Ariel’s courage and faith that what she was trying for, was worth the effort and sacrifice. Her being an adorable mermaid with long red hair and an enchanting voice helped my fascination as well. In very simple words, I wanted to be the little mermaid.

Then I was in first year when I got to watch Mulan. This cartoon movie was more realistic and therefore made more of an impact. What I liked most was the idea that a girl could rise above the norms of a society and use her brains and intellect to her advantage. Mulan of course gets the handsome hunk in the end as well. So yet another happy ending that fascinated me.

These two are the fairytales that captivated me the most. These were the stories that made the foundations for my dreams. Faith, Commitment, Devotion, and the Inner goodness were what I strived for. I believed that if I stuck to these principles, I will find the realization of dreams. I believed that these would bring me my happiness.

But I realize now that these fairytales only made me an educated fool. Too much television and a lot of unrealistic books made me chase dreams. And I would have continued chasing dreams had I not found out that Hans Anderson Christianson’s little mermaid never earns appreciation from the love of her life & dies in the end.

Reality is so much easier to cope with than disfigured fairytales.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

I have a really really bad fa-lo and i just cant stop sneezing. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red and at this rate, the only job i will be eligible for is Rudolph, the Reindeer's.
What i wouldnt give for a peaceful night's sleep when i dont wake up sneezing or gasping for air.
Siiiiiiigh

I used to wear this silver chain around my neck that Saddy gave me on my birthday in 2003. It had a pendant with my initials engraved on it with a heart. I am sure anybody who saw me wearing it thought that I was probably in love with myself.

Then last year when my Nani passed away, I put her ring in the chain as well. Those two ornaments are my very precious keepsakes. I had given my grandmother that ring some eight years back. It was an ordinary ring with some pattern engraved on it. It was actually given to me by my mother’s friend who got it for me from Madinah but it was big for my fingers. So I asked my nani if she wanted it and she took it. She never took it off and my cousin’s used to tell me that though they often bribed her to take it off, she never did. She used to say that the ring reminded her of me.

Years passed and the color faded, the engravings vanished but she still wore it. The day she passed away and I and a couple of other ladies gave her the final ‘Ghusl’. I remember a lady pointing to her finger sayin’ that the ring needed to be taken off. I told her to go ahead but no matter how hard the lady tried, the ring just wouldn’t come off. I then tried to take it off and it just slipped into my fingers. It was then that I realized that it was the ring I had given to her.

The ring is still big for my fingers so I have been wearing it with the chain and the pendant saddy gave me. That chain broke today and so for the first time in a very long time, I feel as if my nani is away from me.

I miss both my Nani and Nana ji very much. There are so many times when something happens and I think instantly that I will tell it to both of them. And there have been so many times in the previous 18 months that when something goes wrong, I think that this happened because my nani isn’t here to pray for me.

I wrote a poem when my grandfather passed away and I remember that when I recited it to my Nani, she and I both cried.

And when I come upon,
Flowers you grew so tenderly
I try to find you
And you're not there
Then I'll follow my heart
& Remember you as I last saw you,
With that heavenly smile playing on your lips
Shining in your eyes
I'll find you resting there
And I'll kneel and say a prayer
To let you know how I always felt
But never said
I loved you then and I love you still
I'll watch you sleep peacefully
And wait for the day
When your smile will warm my heart again.
And yet, I have never been able to write anything for my Nani, I miss her too terribly to confine what I feel in words.

I have a very bad flu that started some time in the middle of the night and I was unable to sleep because of it. Therefore came to the office late and even now I wish for a bed and a big bowl of soup.

Yesterday was a lazy lazy day, with nothing much to do except for spending more time with Faiz. Usman and Saba called yesterday and when I called Saba Mrs. Usman, the girl was silent for a minute and then she couldn’t stop laughing. I think its gonna take her a little while before she really starts seeing herself as Mrs. Usman. Usman on the other hand has taken to being a hubby rather well. Talking about Usman, I have another friend Usman who happens to be really ‘mera bachpan ka dost’. His family was our neighbor in Pindi when our dads were in the Army and our mothers are very good friends still. Usman was a little older than me but we were in the same class. He got engaged recently and I just found out that his nuptials are in December inshaAllah. Now there’s yet another wedding that I must attend.

Sam called last night and I told her how excited I am about coming to Karachi for her 30th birthday. I asked her if we could go to Gaddani for a day and she readily agreed. It got me thinking about turning thirty. Only a few days back I was telling saddy that I cant wait to be thirty and get out of this whole ‘get married’ issue. But are thirties really what they are cracked up to be?

I remember being thirteen and for some reason, though I wasn’t a typical teenager. I was the ugly duckling that was happy just being smart or at least smarter than 80% of the kids in the class. My teens didn’t take force till I hit fifteen, that’s when I developed a huge crush on the undertaker. And since I was more of a tomboy, I preferred wrestling over watching Dawson’s creek. I recently purchased the first season of Dawson’s creek cuz the whole 1st season was available for 125 Rs and I need something mindless to watch before I go to sleep at night. I really can hate these Dawson brats. They are all so perfect, including Katie Holmes and those flawless complexions…really! I’d die if I were within a hundred feet of them. But the sound track (well I cant really close my ears) is all the late 90’s songs I grew up listening to. Anyhoo, being thirteen or a teenager wasn’t really what it should have been and though I have no regrets, there isn’t much to look back at either.

As for being thirty, I don’t really know what to expect. I do know this that for the first time, I am alright with not getting married ever. And yes, though for me the major reason for getting married was companionship and kids, I know now that companionship is highly overrated. As for having kids, I am not really carrying any precious genes that need to be preserved. If I were beautiful or a genius or if I had a title and money that I feared passing out of my family, maybe I would have made an effort. But thankfully I don’t. That probably is nature’s way of protecting all the good genes and wiping out all the unsuitable ones. Life, after all is about survival of the fittest. So if I live to see another decade inshaAllah and unless something extraordinary happens, I see my thirties to be an extension of my current life and well that will give me greater freedom to work and travel and that is something I can look forward to.

Have you ever noticed how the flames jump up and down as the heater blazes? I wish I had a real working fire place but for the lack of one, watching flames leap in a heater with a glass of orange juice within my reach is my favorite past time. I usually turn off the lights and listen to Faiz recite his verses in the back ground. I can listen to Faiz for an eternity.

I wish I could have met Faiz. Nuskha-hai-wafa is a veritable accrual of every emotion I have ever felt.

How did he know? Could he ever have known?
‘phir aaya dil-e-zar, nahi koi nahi
Rah’ro ho ga, kahin aur chala jayai ga’

And the familiar anguish of yearning for the unattainable
‘yo’n na tha, mai nai faqt chaha tha yo’n ho jayai’
And the visible throb of destiny
‘phir hum hi qatl ho, aayain yaro’n chalo

As time slips through my hands
‘ik fursat-e-gunah mili who bhi char din
Dekhain hain hum nai hoslai perwardigar kai’
Yet, my agony isn’t at all discreet
‘who baikhabar hi sahi, itnai baikhabar bhi nahi
But if I forsake my love, will I find peace?
Yeh-ahd-e-turk-e-muhabbat hai kis liyai
Sakoon-e-qalb idher bhi nahi, udher bhi nahi
What about my prayers? Were they never pure enough?
‘jag wasda hai, mai bhi wasaa’n

And all this time I thought love would be my deliverance
Aur kya dekhnai ko hai baqi
Aap sai dil laga kai dekh liya
But I am still here, still alive
‘apni himat hai kai hum phir jiyai jaatai hain’

With my derelict heart
‘kai baar us ka daman bhar diya husn-e-do alam sai
Magar dil hai kai us ki khana-e-virani nahi jaati
Unwilling to give up my pain
Tum merai pass raho
Merai qatil, merai dildar, merai pass raho
And this pain of yesterdays fills my empty room
Tanhaee mai kya kya na tujhe yaad kiya hai
Kya kya na dil-e-zar nai dhoondhi hain panahain
Giving the silence a life of its own
‘is tarha apni khamushi goongi
Goya her simt sai jawab aayai
And it is this silence that beckons me to break the silence within
Harf-e-haq dil mai khatakta hai jo kaante ki tarha
Aaj izhar karain aur khalish mit jayai
But then again, who am I kidding?
Ab yahan koi nahi, koi nahi aayai ga.

19th November
07:35 a.m.
Here I am at the office, yawning my head off. There are only two kinds of people who are up working at this hour, those cleaning the roads and those who are nuts. I, as everyone knows, am in the latter category.

Its bhai’s birthday today and we spent the past evening watching this movie starring ‘the Rock’ titled Standing Tall. One dumb movie and a cramp (I got a cramp in my leg, been happening since I started jogging) later, I was really sleepy. So I turned on the alarm and fell asleep. At 2355 I dragged myself out of my bed, lit the birthday candle, picked up bhai’s birthday present and barged into his room. Bhai was asleep as well and I woke him up. In the process of carrying the chocolate delight with a lighted candle in my hands and bending to wake up bhai, my hair caught fire. Not all my hair, a few strands but that was enough for me to freak out; I then banged my knee into the bed. Certainly not the way I had planned bhai’s birthday party. Anyhoo, bhai blew out the candle while I blew out my hair. Shan called and I had somebody else to share my agony with. After our little celebration, I came back to my room and tried sleeping, very very unsuccessfully.

I finished my last blog about two days back. I wanted to revert to writing an old fashioned diary but I really don’t have the time in the evenings. Besides, I wanted to get a typewriter but that aint happening anytime soon, so this new blog till I manage something.

Its Donor’s conference today and that is why I am here in office so early. Although there were some 50 countries invited but only 25 agreed to show up. Pakistan needs a lot of money and so far we have only received a quarter of what we need. But what’s really amusing me right now is how the media is trying to beat each other with different locations and angles. I have been thinking lately about the true responsibility of media. Our channel showed a woman dying due to her wounds a week after the earthquake. I know a lot has been said about it. I think that at the time that program was aired, it was necessary for people to know that there were areas where no help had reached and people were dying. People are still dying. But where do we draw the line? Day before yesterday, I visited AFRIM with the Abu Dhabi television crew. Their senior producer was with Al-Jazeera before joining AD. His cameraman covered the Afghanistan war all by himself. He was telling how lonely it was there. All he ever got to film were conflicts, clashes and corpses. There were days when he didn’t have anybody around to say a single word to. The senior producer told me that he has been a journalist for 21 years and all he can say is that the media sells bodies. It thrives on wars and flourishes on conflicts. I agree with him to the extent that the major names in journalism are of those people who were war correspondents at one point. A good anchor person is that which breaks the barriers and gets the guest to make statements that he/she wouldn’t otherwise. So then what is our choice? To be someone who withdraws from truth or to be someone who sells the truth?

Talking about the truth, in just one day, I have been more truthful to myself than I have been in almost a year. Quoting George, ‘it’s amazing the clarity that comes from psychotic distrust’. And well the truth is that I have been acting completely out of character. The truth is that I have been scared witless. The truth is that I have been acting like a thirteen year old who doesn’t know better. The truth is that the thought of my dreams perishing made me take steps I would never have taken otherwise. The truth is that the fear of unknown coupled with my nightmares of impending reality distorted my understanding completely.

And the truth brings out more questions. The Sr. Producer from AD told me that he has noticed a particular line called trauma line on the affectees palms. While he was telling me about his observations, I noticed that his lines were very straight and clear. Mine on the other hand are not. I asked him about this and he offered me his explanation. He said that girls usually have complicated hands because they are fragile. And because they are fragile, they need complex defense mechanisms. And when we see someone acting out of character, it is because they are scared of the outcome.

Am I really that scared?

And what am I really scared of?

Well one thing I am scared of is losing my cell phone now. I lost it twice in a span of twenty four hours. And I am afraid that if I don’t get up now, I’ll not be able to have my office breakfast of ‘pooriyan and channai’. So im off!

I think I died last night.

I know this is probably the freakiest statement I have ever stated but yes I can be quoted on this.

I guess the main reason I am saying this is because I realized last night what a wreck I have become. I have become not only paranoid, I am now inexcusably pathetic. So before I went to sleep last night, I took in the details of myself, everything I have felt, everything I had found out and its effect on me.

And frankly, I couldn’t stand myself.

So, I died last night.

This morning I woke up and felt like a new person for some reason. And for some unfathomable reason, I know exactly what I want or don’t want for some reason.