2005

Favorite Moments:
#1. When Saddy confirmed the news of my passing CSS exams in these words “my friend! You made it’.
# 2 If I relate it to the state of mind I was in, I’d say it was probably one of my worst times but when I got a letter of Promotion & Increment from my head office following my resignation, I’d say sun shone just a wee bit brighter.
#3 whole of 25th March was a moment that lasted 24 hours and it was perfect!

Favorite Songs:
#1. In the End by Linkin Park
The album was released in 2000 and this song is a particular favorite of mine. And why this song is here in this list…that’s something only Noreen knows.
#2 Kahani by Strings
#3 Walking Away by LifeHouse

Best Advice: Best marriages are based on best misunderstandings.

Favorite Movie #1
"If a wounded bird flies into your house, you must take in and heal it’.
Ben Kingsley’s character Behrani uttered these words in ‘House of Sand & Fog’. Though the movie was released in 2003, I didn’t get to watch it until a few months ago and of all the movies I watched this year, this is one of the few that I stayed up to watch (otherwise I generally dose off after thirty minutes). And really the only movie that stayed with me.
I loved the splendid scenery. The cinematography was simply breathtaking in its colors and movement. Sometimes, the movement of clouds and changing of shades said more about the story than any words could have. Ben Kingsley proved himself to be an actor of the superlative category. The story was plausible, heartbreaking to the extent that if I cried while watching movies, I’d have cried my eyes out during this one.

Fav #2
‘Laws of Attraction’ was released in 2004 but I watched it about a month back. I have to admit that part of the reason this movie has made its way into the list is because, once again, its one of the movie that I watched from the start till the ‘happy ending’ otherwise I generally fall asleep. Another reason, no matter how unjustified is the fact that both Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore look really nice. Both of them are nowhere near being young and yet they’ve retained their charm. And I liked the fact that though they were two very different people and it wasn’t really circumstances that brought them together, they worked to bridge their differences. Besides it wasn’t a teen flick and nobody was hopelessly in love. The problems really come from within (not like Romeo & Juliette scenario where the whole city becomes your enemy) and need to be tackled from within. And it also proved another point…sometimes you need to get married to fall in love!

Fav # 3
Doom
What can I say? I loved the game.

New Year Resolutions

I’ve been thinking of New Year resolutions that almost everyone makes. Generally people resolve to quit smoking and exercise regularly, go on a diet blah blah. I am however not a smoker, I have never actually felt the need to exercise (it’s more of wanting to exercise) and diet, well nothing can stop me from eating! So here are my New Year resolutions.

1. Crazy Driver Ahead


I know how to drive, have driven both automatic and stick shift but I just don’t drive. And when i do, i am nothing less than a lunatic! Well, this year, my father made my first resolution for me. And that would be to lease a car and learn to drive. I think it goes perfectly with my pursuit of independence. Besides, with Bhai moving away, shan in Khi, I am pretty much going to be on my own. So definitely, learning to drive and driving is a priority.

2. Travel
In 2005, my Passport bore two new stamps, visas i.e. One to India and the other I don’t even know since I was supposed to go somewhere with Dad. However, I was unable to spend my hard earned money on shopping in those countries. This year, I am all set to travel on my own. What good are my savings if I can’t travel!!!

3. Have a Crush.

2005 was pretty much a crush-less year for me since I was too troubled with actual problems. The last crush I had was in November 2004. (Xavier, you still have my heart). This year, I was unable to develop a crush on anyone. Practicality often kills the charm of life. So this year, I am all set to invalidate 2005’s shortcomings.

4. Get a haircut
I haven’t had a haircut in almost three years now. All I get are trims and well I think I should actually resolve to brush my hair everyday. It’s obvious that by not combing my hair aint gonna become curly. (Sigh) But I’ll get the haircut in June. Why? I have no idea.
And while I am at it, I’ll probably dye my hair Blue to match the décor in my room.

5. Not get married.
Just that! No explanations required.

6. Grow five inches taller
A girl can dream :)

7. Look stunningly beautiful
Overkill!! (Need to get real here).

8. Buy the Ballerina painting


Will starve myself and save my lunch money for four months to buy that painting from Illusions.
wait! resolution no. 8 goes against the intro tht nothing can stop me from eating. right! cancel resolution no.8
This blog will be updated as i think of further resolutions.

I like this picture for some reason.

I do a lot of these, dont i?

What can I say, I am in a very Pro-duck-tive mood today.

Person/Thing Who:-

1) Slept in your bed: Thing? There’s a thing sleeping in my bed? Scream!!!!!!!!

2) Saw you cry: Do the bed bugs count?

3) Made you cry: this Fa-lo I had about a month back

4) You went to the movies with: last time was with Shan and cousins Madi and Vicks. The movie was a Pakistani one, as pathetic as they come. We stayed for thirty minutes, cursed each other for even thinking of watching it and left the place highly enlightened about Lollywood.

5) You went to the mall with: went to Park Towers in May with An, YS and Raja.

6) Sent you a txt message: Noreen

Have You Ever:-

7) Said "I love you" and meant it? : yes, everyday with all my heart. Only, the mirror never replies. Its’ about time they invented one of those

8) Gotten in a fight with your pet: My cat hounds me everyday

9) Dreamt something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I dreamt that I was dancing and stomping my foot and the next day the Earthquake…Freaky!!!

10) Had an imaginary friend: Don’t you dare call my friend imaginary

11) What’s in your closet? Two skeletons

12) Do you have a crush on someone: yes, the dwarf in LOTR, what was his name again?

13) What book are you reading now: Defense of Duffer’s Drift

14) Worst feeling in the world: watching somebody else eat your cheesecake

15) Future son's name: Sian Allah Rakha Karam dad urf jheeran pehlwan gujar

16) Future daughter's name: Aansa Jehanara Batul urf Munni Begum

17) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: I stuff animals before I sleep…does that count?

18) What's under your bed: corpses

19) Best sport to watch: Snails racing towards meat.

20) College plans: yes! Blowing up the college I studied in…so help me God

21) Piercing/tattoos: I have pierced knuckles and there’s a tattoo of a nose where my nose is supposed to be.



EXTRA STUFF :-

1) Do you do drugs: hey! You can’t get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high!!!!

2) Who are your good friends?: some of them are reading it and know who they’re

3) What are you most scared of: Butterflies in the stomach

5) Where do you want to get married: In the Past

6) Who do you really hate: my split Personality

7) Been in Love: yes! But the difference in species got in the way

8) Do you drive: I can drive just about anyone crazy and I really know how to drive people away…wanna see?

9) Do you have a job: Does filling stupid questionnaires count?

10) Do you enjoy being around people: People?

11) Are you for world peace?: I am all for the world. I am all for peace. Both cannot be combined in the same sentence.


IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU:-

1) Cried: I told the bed bug to not tell anyone, wait till I get my hands on that pest!!!!

2) Bought something: yes! Another wedding present

3) Gotten sick: sick n’ tired…yup!

4) Sang: la de da di da…there you go

5) Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Yes. I love you. Now go get me Orange Juice with extra pulp and a dozen white irises for my room. And while you’re at it, see if you can get me one of those ferrari’s we saw in the showroom the other day.

6) Met someone new: yes! That was enuff for me go insane and fill stupid questionnaires.

7) Missed someone: Yes! My source in Stock Exchange.

8) Hugged someone: ... touching people…yuck!

9) Kissed someone: hey!!! Is this going into people magazine or something?

There! Now with this quiz, there isn’t anything left of my sanity!

R for Ridiculous

Last night I was supposed to attend two weddings…both were equally important to me and I endeavored to take on this Herculean task and failed miserably. I was able to attend only one wedding, that of my friend Reem with whom I used to take my literature classes. The wedding I missed was my childhood friend Usman’s. I know he’s gonna be angry but I think he has better things to concentrate on. Besides, I am not seven anymore and therefore not easily intimidated.
Reem’s wedding was a low key affair with only her family and very close relatives, all above the age of fifty. There were only four girls younger than me who were some ten years younger and five inches taller.
I met Reem yesterday after four years. We never could tie up the time to see each other but we remained in touch through e-mails and phone calls. She looked very nice MashaAllah. We got some time to ourselves while everyone was waiting for the Barat to arrive.
And then the whole thing went from sublime to ridiculous.
After Dulhai Miyaan arrived, I vacated my place for him and found a seat in a corner from where I could see nothing so I sat like a moron looking at all the old auntie’s heads. Then this old lady who was Reem’s Ta’yee came and started interrogating me. Here’s how it went:
T:So you are a Friend of Reem’s?
B: Ji
T: How old are you?
B: 23
T: Completed your masters yet?
B: Ji
T: You’re very pretty
B: Umm…Thank you, you’re very kind
T: I don’t see any rings on your fingers
B: I don’t wear any ma’am
T: Haven’t you gotten married yet
B: No Ma’am, I haven’t
T: Why not?
B: Why at all?
At this, she muttered something like’ girls these days’ under her breath and left.

I then felt it wise to vacate my place lest some other old lady decided to investigate my marital status and found me insolent in the process. So, I sought the company of Reem’s nieces. As I was standing with them, niece no.1 asked niece no. 2, if I was the girl they saw on Television. She said, I looked kinda like her and then they decided to confirm by asking me.
Niece no.1: Are you the girl who hosted the Sehri transmission?
B: ji, some programs
Niece 2: you know, you don’t look at all pretty on the screen…I mean at all !! !
B: yeah, I know I am not photogenic ( trying valiantly to smile).
Niece 1: kind? It destroys you!!
Right!! that was my cue to exit that area. I then found another quiet corner and buried my head in the food. Then Reem’s sister spotted me and came over. She works for PTV and we started trading notes on our channels. Then the subject led from one thing to another and finally settled on once again, my marital status. Next thing I know, she’s telling me about how she loves match making and calls her hubby over. And then there I was sitting, laughing my head off while they started discussing potentials for me. I mean, I have been to outrageous weddings but lord! I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
That was enough dose for me to swear to myself never to attend weddings again. Oh well, I have to attend Saniya’s brothers wedding and unless Saddy, Sanny, Sajeela, Amrat and faiza get married next year, I aint attending no more weddings.

Sam’s arranged for our tickets to Khi but my ticket is from Lahore on the night of 15th which means that not only will I be going to Khi but also to Lahore as well and since I get to stay an extra day, I’ll go see Jia in Hyderabad. Yeh Cheez!!!!!!!!!!

My IQ Score

I found out today that my psychological test will also include an IQ test so i took a test and here are the results.

Your IQ score is 127

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.
Your score indicates that you are brilliant when it comes to language and words. You are also very good at understanding things on an abstract level. You are at your best when you put those two skills together to communicate new ideas and see how they fit into different contexts. You understand math and science on a gut level, even if the equations and science don't come as easily.Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities. You can use these skills to be a great communicator or to create a masterpiece.

Timeless fascination with Time

Where does time go?
More importantly, where does it come from?
Or did Virgil make a more acute observation…
"Sed fugit interea, fugit inreparabile tempus"
Time meanwhile flies, never to return
I have been thinking about this lately and I don’t know exactly how to cover the topic. Should one consider the scientific theories? Or does philosophy offer a more plausible explanation?
Time has always fascinated people. I remember watching H.G. Wells’ Time Machine on TNT starring Rod Taylor and later I read the book as well. H.G. Wells wrote this novel in 1898 which shows that the power to go back in time has always fascinated people. Most of us have, at some point in our lives, wished to turn back time and make sure that our lives turn out otherwise. So then, what would the status of present be if this was possible? Will it still be a factual & autonomous facet of truth or will it be subjective to relevance? And what will the tense be in such a situation? How then, will we determine the degree of pastness, presentness and futurity?
And should man have the ability to turn back time?
And how then will time be quantified? Aren’t there moments that seem to last for days and years that just go by in a blink?
And then, how is eternity defined by time?
Isn’t forever composed of nows?
And don’t our passions expand time by making it worthwhile whereas a purposeless life only makes time a burden?

All I have are questions….

staring at the sun

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way
Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

If I seem bleak
Well you'd be correct
And if I don't speak
It's cause I can't disconnect
But I won't be burned by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me
I don't think that you relate
My will is something
That you can't confiscate
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

Great Wall of China

Here's a pic my dad took on the entrance. As everyone can see, they may be great at manufacturing just about everything in the world but spellings, now that is a different story.

Think Yellow

Hasan Zaidi was my instructor in Karachi and basically he was the one who recognized my passion for photography. On my birthday, he got me a book about photography and told me that passion is always the driving force for excellence in any field. He was also the first person to say that if I were confident enough to cover my head with a scarf to demonstrate my belief, then I can do just about anything that required confidence as the main element. My most memorable trip to Gaddani was with him, Candy and Huma. These days, he is hosting a program Perspectives on our channel and is Director Kara film festival.
I am writing this post for him after reading his speech he made at the fifth Kara Film festival. Here are excerpts from his speech…

I have to say, I have never felt this safe in my entire life! But as a filmmaker, one has to say that one would really not get anywhere creatively if one only played safe. Taking risks and pushing the boundaries is the lifeblood of creativity. Whereas safety, speaking from a creative standpoint, is equal to the death of the soul. With respect to the Festival, who knew, five years ago when we began as a small three–day event showcasing a mere 35 films, that this is where we would be today? An 11–day festival, screening over 150 films, representing more than 30 countries from around the world and standing here with the President of Pakistan in attendance. One thing is for sure: We certainly did not get here by playing safe!
At the Opening Ceremony of this Festival, I counted out 5 things that we had learnt in five years. I would like to reiterate them here.

1. Don't give a damn! Do what needs to be done.

2. If you want something done, do it yourself.

3. Make friends, as much as you can. But do not be afraid of speaking the truth.

4. Always be true to your vision.

And finally, what is actually a quote from the famous writer Margaret Mead:

5. "Never doubt that small group of committed, thoughtful people can change the world – indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

Saturday evening was Nubz’s Nikah and Mayoun. Saddy called me in the afternoon so I could take her with me and I said I would on my way back. I called up shan and his cell wasn’t responding. By five o’clock there was still no sign of shan & I was worried. By 5:30, I had freaked out completely. Zamir sahib had given me his script to edit and I was just sitting staring at the paper, going out of my mind. I finally decided to take the office car and pick up saddy. I had just started on my way when shan calls me up, sayin’ that the battery had died and he was at his friend’s place and totally forgot that he was supposed to pick me up.
KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saddy and I got home late thus and I hurriedly dressed. We reached Nubla’s place some ninty minutes late. The Nikah ceremony took place mashaAllah and now she’s MashaAllah married though the rukhsati is at the end of this week.
I met Sadia & Mohsina’s mothers at Nubz’s. Sadia is dear friend who is now settled in Dhaka with her hubby. She and I were classmates in school. Mohsina and I were together in M.A eng lit classes. Both of them are MashaAllah married now and have a kid each. I was standing and talking to sadia’s mother when she asked me about my good news. I told her I cleared my CSS exam. She said that’s nice but when are you getting married? You know, this is actually getting ridiculous now.
I enjoyed the ceremony despite myself thanks to the D500. I think I took pictures of everything and everyone. I am a maniac with a camera, I find everything interesting and take every picture like it’s the last picture to be taken on earth. And this is no exaggeration, saddy, sanny and nubz will readily attest to this fact.
Abu was supposed to come back Saturday night as well so I made my exit and shan and I drove to the airport to pick him up. The flight was late and I was standing on the airport in the middle of the night like an idiot without any sweater. Abu finally arrived and we drove back home. Went to sleep around two a.m.
I woke up relatively early Sunday morning and took to cleaning my room. I spoke to Hassan briefly. Poor guy has a really bad flu. Then Ali called to yell at me for not calling him since he’s moved to Karachi. I think he’s settling down rather well there though he insists that isloo is the place for him but I think Karachi has its own charm. We talked about our favorite places in Karachi and he told me to make sure that I visit khi in Jan. I wish I cud…but I still have to find out my interview schedule.
We went to Phulgiran after lunch to see the place where inshaAllah our family home will be constructed. It’s a lovely place. My father wanted a place on a hill and we found this spot. It was a pretty good trip.
I came back home and spent the evening downloading pictures from dad’s trip to China, Nubz’s nikah and the trip to Phulgiran. I was supposed to decide between attending Sidz’s Valima and Saqib bhai’s valima. So I took the easy way out, I decided to stay at home and watch a movie.
I had been meaning to watch the new Pride & Prejudice movie starring Kiera Knightley and Mathew McFayden. Pride & Prejudice is one of my favorite books and movies. I have the original Greer Garson & Lawrence Olivier movie on VHS and it is absolutely my all time favorite movie. I love the pomp and show in the film and both the actors settled into their roles perfectly. I wish I could say the same for the new movie. I mean Kiera is very good looking but Greer Garson was enchantingly elegant. Lawrence Olivier brought Mr. Darcy to life like no one else. His mannerism, his attitude, his attire, and the tone of his voice everything was perfect. Though the movie went a lil offline to the real story but I enjoyed the arch dialogue thoroughly.
I think the cricket fever is rubbing off on me. I am supposed to be monitoring the match in any case so no harm in enjoying it right. Pakistan has elected to bat and I have my fingers crossed.

Bitter Sweet Symphony This Life

Two weeks left before the sun dawns on a new year. The year 2005, indubitably has been a very important year in my life. Numerological calculations attribute the number 7 to 2005 and 7 is supposed to be my name number. Well, numerology or not, it doesn’t take a genius to know that I have experienced a lot in just this one year.

I am probably going to be writing this in segments as per the flashbacks. I used to have a journal that I wrote almost daily. It contained me, all of me. My dreams, my hopes, my ambitions, every little significant or insipid detail was in that journal. I don’t have that journal anymore so everything I may be recalling is purely from memory till the month of June. After that, I have my blog so there might be more accuracy in the recollections.

The year started off with me in the bed. Typhoid was the reason and for the first time in my life, I understood what a blessing health is. One of the side effects of medicine was insomnia so I also learnt how important sleep is. Both my brothers were in Karachi and bhai’s wedding preparations were in full swing when I fell ill. My parents, may Allah bless them, looked after me. My mother took to sleeping in my room so I wont have to get up if I needed something. Alhumdulilah, I recovered in ten days and was back on my feet to get things done in time for Bhai’s wedding.

Bhai’s wedding is the highlight of the year for my family. Aban became a member of our family and I really couldn’t have asked for a better sister in law. I had known her for a few years before she and bhai decided to get married. I really do think that Aban is a blessing for our family. And not just her, bhai’s in laws are MashaAllah one of the nicest families I have ever known. The wedding day itself was quite hectic but went pretty smooth as did the valima Alhumdulilah.

The only significant day I can recall from Feb-March is 25th march. It was saddy’s birthday and I was supposed to meet her for lunch. I think it was 11 o’ clock and I was sitting lazily in my office when the receptionist called me to the visitor’s area. I rarely get visitors so I was surprised and then I was overwhelmed. Adeel, my friend whom I had not met in almost three years since he moved to Germany for studies was visiting Pakistan and decided to give me a surprise visit. He had changed so much but I still recognized him. We were just sitting and catching up on old times when I got a call from stock market. The three stock exchanges in Pakistan had undergone a huge upsurge and then a massive slump in just a month. There was a protest going on outside the ISE and An told me to rush to the spot. I excused myself and rushed to the market, got in the middle of the angry mob and for the first time went live from Islamabad, my very first exclusive breaking news. I remember meeting saddy & shirin for lunch and then in the evening bhai, aban, saddy and I went to watch Mulan Rouge in Islamabad club. It was a thoroughly enjoyable & memorable day.

The only significant feeling I recall from April is the realization that I was a girl and that I had to get married. For some reason, I was hounded by proposals and for the first time I completely realized that getting married was not an option anymore. My parents then finally decided to accept a proposal and everything was finalized except the formality of my meeting the chosen person. On the night of 28th April, I met him for the first time. Half hour later, we were engaged.
I was on cloud nine.
In the week following, I learnt first hand how the most beautiful things in life can become the most sordid nightmares. I won’t go into details. He doesn’t deserve the time. I will say this though that he was a lesson I had to learn.
6th May, a week before my wedding, a week after the engagement, my wedding was called off. The very same day, my boss called me in his office and gave me a raise along with a promotion and a very important piece of advice that literally changed my life. I know he and I have our differences especially his reservations about my wearing a scarf but he has done more for me then he will ever realize or I will ever let him know. I just know that Allah rescued me as He always does and my boss was the instrument.
May, June & July are a haze. I don’t remember much except that I was very depressed. I lived through an ever changing labyrinth of Thursdays, Fridays and Wednesday nights. Those were dark months and I spent my time, especially the month of monsoon in the rains, irrespective of the time of day or night. I lost a friend in those months, somebody very important to me once. But moving on is a very important lesson that I have learnt this year.
This was the first summer after a very long time when my whole family was whole after years. Though I have always known that I had a good family, it was in those days that I realized what a gem every person in my family is. I know I have never done anything in my life to deserve everything I have but I sure am grateful for every single blessing Allah has bestowed on me.
August, I took days off to appear in my CSS exam. The purpose was simple; spend sometime studying which proved highly therapeutic. Though my job helped me stay on track, I still needed time away from people. So I stayed at home, read books, watched movies and went for walks with sanny and Aban.
I celebrated yet another birthday this September with birthdays completely losing their charm for me. I know I sound pained and weary but I think it’s about realizing that birthday is just another day. And then maybe adeel’s words had some effect as well. Something along the lines that lets congratulate the earth for completing n number of rounds around the sun since we were born. Really, what’s the point?
This Ramzan was special because for the first time, I gave zakat on my savings. I know its no big deal but for someone like me who was generally believed to be unmotivated in terms of having a career, this is a significant sign that my life has turned out otherwise. I remember this girl once read my palm in college. She told me then that I probably won’t even complete my B.A and that I would never earn any money on my own. If nothing else, she has been proven wrong.
The earthquake in October cannot be overlooked. It has changed millions of lives completely this year forever. Alhumdulilah and I can never thank Allah for that, but my family is intact and that to me is a great blessing. For the first time I realized how fragile the thread of life is. We say that life is unpredictable but it is only in times like these that we realize that it truly is a capricious creature.
My CSS result came out a few days back and Alhumdulilah I passed which really is nothing short of a miracle.
Other than that, many significant things took place this year.
My bhabhi went to Williams on Fulbright Scholarship.
I traveled for the first time on a helicopter, on a bike and saddy gave me a ride in her convertible Daihatsu Spider.
For the first time in my life, I was broke in May.
For the first time in my life, I have Alhumdulilah enough money to travel on my own.
I had a wedding dress stitched for myself that I paid for myself and never even got to see how it turned out.
Saba & Usman finally tied the knot MashaAllah.
Nubla is getting nikah-o-fied today MashaAllah.
All in all this has been a very significant year. I know that as a person I am much stronger than I was a year back.
I am more aware of myself and my surroundings.
I know that I can never count and thus thank Allah for His blessings but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t even try.
I have realized that life is not an option but at the same time, it’s a great blessing indeed.
I have realized that friendships are not everlasting.
People change.
I am not in love with the idea of love anymore.
I’ve learnt that every time we get over something, we lose a part of ourselves and that is not really a bad thing in most cases.
I have accepted that marriage is not necessarily a part of life and for the first time I am not scared of living and being alone.
I’ve learnt that happiness can come in any shape, anytime at all.
I don’t want to get married anymore. Life’s fine and the logical sequence is more of a social phenomenon than anything else.
I have also learnt that the dreams I painted were mirages and that expecting anything so incredible from any person is unfair.
I have learnt that people are not always what they portray themselves to be but trusting them is my prerogative.
I have learnt that simplest intentions can be misread.
Sometimes, not getting what you want is truly a stroke of luck.
Sometimes even people I love and trust don’t really understand me and that’s alright. We are not meant to be understood all the time.
I have learnt to let go of people I’ve loved. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary.
And most of all I have learnt that there are no guarantees and that really is the charm & beauty of life.

Shan's Coming!!!

Yup! Shan confirmed. He's coming tonight inshaAllah for his end of term holidays. I cant wait to see him. I miss him so terribly when he's not here.

I have a pretty bad backache for the past three days. I have been working on this ten minute duration report about the end of year foreign investment figures. I dont like the content of the report very much, it's too uninteresting. My guess is that my posture is to blame for the backache. And my work station is the reason for my bad posture. At this rate, i am going to be Hunchback of Isloo. i wish i could go home and rest but i gotta send it to head ofice by evening. And i want be home in time for shan's arrival. It's just one of those days i guess:)

It’s been a while since I have really sat down to write a blog. Don’t even know how many days I’ve missed. Let’s start with Saturday evening.
Nubla’s wedding celebrations began this Saturday with a ‘quran khawani’ ceremony. I reached late from office, offered my prayers and joined the Dars. It started off alright but somehow, as the dars progressed, it turned into a heated debate about the rituals and traditions that are generally practiced at weddings. The lady conducting the dars got offended and well, it was not very pleasant.
Personally, I believe in simple ceremonies with family members and close family friends. And though the lady’s arguments were right on, I believe that you need to have the patience to preach something right. When you’re preaching, you’re actually challenging people’s beliefs, no matter how right or wrong they’re. And you need patience & strength to challenge beliefs.
After the dars, I had a good talk with saniya. She’s been after me to get married and everytime we are alone, she tells me about one rishta or another. Well, I guess she was the only one who didn’t know my sob story, so I told her. I think she understands now why I am averse to the idea of getting married at all. Anyhoo, afterwards she calmed down a bit I guess.
Abu arrived back from Montreal this Sunday. He was so tired and I felt really sorry for him cuz he had to catch the flight for Beijing the same night. I know Amrat & I idealize his job but imagine spending three nights in a plane.
Monday morning, I went to the university for one of the news reports I have to prepare. The year round up of privatization and foreign investment I felt so nostalgic being there without my friends. I went to the library, took out some books and studied, took a couple of rounds around the campus, walked down the paths I traced back and forth while I was a student there. The place seemed derelict without any familiar faces. I guess it’s never about the places but the faces we associate with them.
I came back and started working on my report. Then Talat called me to his office and told me that he’s shifting me to our morning live transmission. Woooh!!! That producing 90 minutes of television live. And I keep thinking of all the screw ups possible.
Then I spoke to Sanny last night. Haven’t seen her in a few days. We talked about Nubla’s wedding preparations. Then Sam called from Karachi and we spoke at length about everything. It was so much fun talking to her, we laughed our heads off. it was great.
Bhai and I watched Laws of Attraction last night. Julianna Moore and Pierce Brosnan. Man! These middle aged people look so good.
Saddy’s away to Khi so this morning when I signed in the messenger, I was thinking I have noody to talk to. Then Fahd sent me a message and I was so happy. He was off to sleep but saw me online and decided to say hi. We conversed for a while, once again about how i was oblivious to his existence in college. Isn’t it funny that I never noticed him in college?
Ali is leaving for Karachi tomorrow inshaAllah, three of my friends are getting married this month. It’s like everybody is rapidly under going some significant change in their lives. 2005 has been a year of change for most of us.

Well, tht’s it for now I guess. Back to work.

Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

(coldplay)

Weekend!!!

Well here I am, worn out by this week and its due revelations. I can’t wait to make my exit for the weekend. However, there is still some time left and I am surrounded by cricket maniacs who completely forget themselves in the holy month of cricket. That’s right, tis the season to be jolly for the cricket crazy nation that we are.

I know, I should be going crazy with sheer excitement of the game like I used to some ten years back but I don’t. Once upon a time, in very distant past, I was one of them. Cricket was my life. I loved playing it and I loved watching it. It was the game I grew up playing with my father and brothers. I played it till I was sixteen and then I stopped cuz my brothers had more skilled players to play with and then I lost my interest, just like that!

Pakistan is 132-2 right now and needs 196 runs from 30 overs. As for me, I need a relaxed weekend and a home cooked meal. I’m off!

What can I say? I have nothing better to do!


All About You…
What is your name? Batool
Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Batool Fatima
Nickname: plenty! Bat, betty, Cho to mention a few
Number of Candles on your last birthday cake: none, cuz otherwise the cake wud have resembled a prairie fire
Birthday: September 3, 1982
Hair Color: Inconspicuous
How many piercings: one in right ear lobe, left one is blocked
Eye Color: misleading
Hometown: NK, Talagang
Current Residence: Islamabad
How many tattoos: let me count

Have you ever…
Been to Africa? Not yet!
Been toilet papering? No!
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes
Been in a car accident? Yes.

Favorite…
Word or phrase: Yeh cheez!
Restaurant: Bar.b.q tonite and Nawab in Karachi
Flower: White iris
Sport to watch: Basketball
Drink: orange juice
Ice Cream: Mint chip
Fast Food Restaurant: Pairi beh
Childhood Memory: meeting my younger brother Shan for the first time on the day he was born
TV Show: who has the time


Random Info…
What annoys you? Lack of loyalty and spine in people
Favorite day of the week? Sunday!!!!
Disney or Warner Bros.? Dreamwroks
What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
How many times did you fail your drivers test? Took it only once and the car ended up in a ditch
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Watani or Bin Dawood in KSA
What do you do most often when you are bored? Rarely am
Most annoying thing people ask me? Aint married yet?
Introvert or extrovert? Is there a third option?
Last person you went out to dinner with?went to Pizza hut and Gellato Affair with Sanny, Saniya n Nubla
Ford or Chevy: Chevy
Where did you go for the best vacation you ever had? Wasn’t vocation, was in Karachi for two months training and indubitably it was the best time of my life.
If you could live anywhere that you have ever been, where would it be? Makkah & Madinah

How often is our life defined by things that don't happen? I think all of us have waited atleast once in our life for some call, some sms or some e-mail that never came. Me? i have had plenty of those days very recently. Given the multiple number of e-mail addresses i have, personal and official, what i recieve mostly is junk mail or spam. Day in and Day out, all i get are forwarded mails that i dont even open. I used to get regular e-mails from friends but low out-going rates have made it easier for us to call eachother. and in some cases, we have simply drifted apart to write to eachother at all. Still, i love recieving and writing e-mails and there are some e-mails i wish i could read but they were never written.

However, this morning came a pleasant surprise. I got mail!!!!

My father is the most technology challenged person around. I taught him to use a PC some four years back but has never used a PC two dys in a row. it generally takes him four to five months to remember that he was supposed to practice. These days he is Montreal for Kyoto Conference and imagine my surprise when i opened my mail this morning and buried under spam, i find an e-mail from Abu.

I think i have a faint idea of how parents feel when their child smiles up at them for the first time or takes his first step. Today, my dad took his first steps in cyberspace. Way to go Dad!!!!

I was channel surfing this weekend when a video caught my attention and despite my no/minimal music stance, i really liked the video for the sheer simplicity of the concept. i just caught the last few lines and today i searched for the lyrics. i found many links, two of which caught my attention. i am pasting lyrics from both. the first one is the song i was looking for, which i liked and the second one is the song i stumbled upon that rings true...very very true. i think my posting these lyrics shows a dissonance in two of my personailty traits, one that compels me to dream and the other that is painfully realistic. Here they are:

NINE MILLION BICYCLES

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.

We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.

I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say

There are six BILLION people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a Fact,
it's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!

............................................
If you fear transition to your other life
Don't need money to be there
Leave behind your money just to prove your worth
Won't be here so i don't care
If you strap your conscience to your vision thing
Won't be here so i don't care
Prove your worth to people that you called your friends
Won't be here so i don't care

I wouldn't care if i was washed up tomorrow you see
Reading novels is banned by the marquis de sade
All relationships are emptying and temporary

Life is wearing me thin
I feel so drained, my legacy
A sea of faces just like me and
Life is wearing me thin
I feel so drained, my legacy
A sea of faces just like me

I've been drained, emotion is a bitter fate
Won't be here so i don't care
I concede relationships have left me weak
Won't be here so i don't care
Look for something worthy to replace my guilt
Won't be here so i don't care
Prove my worth to people who i called my friends
Won't be here so i don't care

I wouldn't care if i was washed up tomorrow you see
Reading novels is banned by the marquis de sade
All relationships are emptying and temporary

Nobody cares when you're gone

I know the pieces fit
cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering.
Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit
cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault,
none to blame
it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit,
but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering,
strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers۔

(Tool)

I really should start studying, I really should! But that ain’t gonna happen any time soon.

This Saturday, I was editing a report by our Mansehra correspondent. Since he doesn’t know how to edit the footage, we get it raw here and then I write a script & edit it. Snowfall has begun in the earthquake hit areas and needless to say, the snow doesn’t look pretty anymore.

I have never seen snow falling which comes as a surprise to most people since I live at two hours drive from Murree, the honeymoon capital of Pakistan which is blessed with its fair share of snowfall. My inability to cope with low temperatures can be a valid reason for this. However, watching snow fall is something I have been meaning to do for a long time now. Snow, in my opinion is a great equalizer. It can make everything look the same. Whether it’s a mansion or a hut, a Ferrari or a busted Volkswagen, everything looks the same under a blanket of snow. It hides all the dents and the scratches and it’s pure white color gives everything a pristine look. And that’s just one of the reasons I am fascinated with snow. But the other day as I was editing the report, I saw this old lady crying, begging for shelter for her grandchildren because the snowfall has caused the temperatures to recede dramatically.

One person’s fantasy can be another person’s nightmare.

Isn’t it funny that I can never write a lot when I am fine and happy? I mean what is there to report? The fact that I am Alhumdulilah having a pleasant time after quite a turbulent year, where my blessings primarily centered on how something miraculous happened in my trying times? Why is it that I don’t feel like writing when everything is cool and atmospheric? Why is it easy to desire a quiet and calm life when you don’t have it and not at all easy to write about it? Is suffering emotionally necessary for people to write? Think about it. Our great poets fro Ghalib to Faiz, from Amrata Preetam to Parveen Shakir, everybody wrote about their miseries and about their longing for their beloved. Great love stories from Wuthering Heights to a House of Mirth (no! Romeo and Juliet is not a great story) are all about the woes and desolation of love. Unhappy endings that made them great love stories. Midnight afflictions full of tears make great writing material. So really, is it necessary for people to feel pain and turbulence in their lives for them to write something meaningful?

Well, I may not have much to write about but I am still going to write. Life’s fine Alhumdulilah. It’s been a slow day for the most part. I met Ali in The morning, he dropped by my office to check up on me/ check up on the new cell phone. He’s off to Karachi in a few days. An’s away for her brother-in-law’s wedding which basically means that I have no one to have lunch with. I am really hungry right now but don’t really feel like having lunch all by myself. Nubla’s asked me to come over for a dance practice but it’s a dance practice & I am not really good at that. What can I say, I have two left feet.

I have to re-read DaVinci Code so I can start reading Secrets of the code. I found Secrets of the code some days back and haven’t had a chance really to read it. I still have to finish Harry Potter’s fourth installment which I started cuz I wanted to watch the movie with full recollection of the story. I have finished watching Dawson’s Creek. I hate those perfect teens! can't wait to watch the second season which basically depends on my purchasing it for 125 Rs.

Lunch! Must have lunch!!! Need! Want!! LUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How to go about this blog? I have so much to write so I’d better get on it.

Friday was like any other Friday except that Saddy and I went for Lunch to Arizona Grill. The food was alright and nothing unusual happened at the lunch. But as we exited the joint and reached our car, we came across a guy who was selling balloons. Saddy told me to go sit in the car and I did but then I saw what she was doing. She bought me a Heart shaped balloon and two roses to go with it. There was a lady sitting in her car and she couldn’t stop laughing. I know it was very corny but it was so cute. I love all these little gestures saddy makes. Today, she and I met again for lunch. The food was pathetic. Complete waste of money. On our way back, Saddy & I were listening to FM89 and Saddy said that somehow fast car by Tracy Chapman reminded her of us. So she picked up her cell, gave the show a call and after a bit of searching the people at the station found our song. And she dedicated it to me. WOOHOOOO!! I know these are crazy little things but I enjoy them immensely. I believe these little gestures that come straight from the heart mean more than buying somebody something expensive.

Well now some good news for a change. I know, my blogs hardly ever contain anything positive and never has a good news been mentioned but Alhumdulilah I do have something positive to report. I cleared my CSS written exams Alhumdulilah. The news was such a surprise. I wasn’t at all looking forward to the result and I still can’t believe that I made it. I mean I thought that there was no chance that I would make it and I didn’t even remember my roll number. When Geo announced that FPSC had declared the result, all my colleagues got excited and I freaked out. Then Faiza called me and congratulated me. But I couldn’t believe it. Plus the office net was busted so I couldn’t check myself. I called up saddy and she confirmed as well. It still seems surreal given the fact that I just wasn’t prepared. Plus this year round, only 7.5% people cleared the exams. The result came out on the 28th November and since then, it seems that everybody I know reads newspapers. I told very few people myself but almost everybody I know in isloo is calling me up sayin’ we read about it in the newspaper. I am getting calls and messages from people I haven’t spoken to in years. And it seems that news has traveled across the globe somehow cuz I didn’t even tell Aban or Shoaib who are on different continents altogether but they were one of the first ones to congratulate me. It feels great Alhumdulilah. I know I am still far from actually getting into civil service and there’s still the interview to be tackled but I know this by itself is a great blessing and I am humbled beyond words that Allah ji could be so kind to me.

Talat, my boss of course had his own insight into the matter. He had actually made a bet with me that I was most definitely gonna flunk so it feels good to prove him wrong, at least on this account. But he still got the last laugh (not that I did’t enjoy it). He gathered the whole office for a meeting. And just before the meeting started he threw in these words: ‘we are gathered here to pray for the recovery of the dwindling standards of Federal Public Service Commission. Now that Batool has cleared the exam, FPSC needs all the prayers it can get!’. Needless to say, I was the first one to raise my hands for prayers.

I had a good talk with our controller News Ms. Zuberi today. I met her for the first time when she interviewed me for our channel. And she told me today that I was the first person she hired for our Islamabad Bureau, even before the Zuberi’s knew what the setup was going to be. She wanted me to be an Economics correspondent and well I just figured that it was a good opportunity that I ought to at least try once. But once I really started working, I realized that I wasn’t the sort who could just run from one ministry to another chasing stories and financial figures. Production was where I wanted to be and then Talat gave me a chance. Plus reporting meant that I would be on screen and that is something I am not really comfortable with. So I pushed reporting aside and I actually like what I am doing right now. But Ms. Zuberi has her own perspective. She told me clearly that though I am good at what I am doing, I am still far from achieving my potential or what she initially thought and still thinks I am capable of. She said that she always saw me as someone who had the spark to be a great Economics and Finance correspondent given my educational background and she thinks that I am wasting myself. It was almost the kind of talk I have with my dad every now and then.

They say that there is no greater burden then great potential. I think they are wrong. I think there is no greater burden then the potential people think you have, but in reality you don’t.