[A is for age:] – stopped counting when the last dinosaur died
[B is for brainy quote:] – I am so great i am even jealous of myself...muhahaha
[C is for career:] – riding avalanches…I highly recommend it
[D is for your dad's name:] – dad:)
[E is for essential items to bring to a party:] – “Patakhay”
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] – Sab bhula kai by Call
[G is for favorite game:] –DOOM 3
[H is for hometown:] – isloo is it!
[I is for instruments you play:] - Vocal Cords
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] – Blue Berry jam
[K is for kids?] – The ones I buried or the ones I roasted for the wicked witch of the west?
[L is for living arrangements:] – sharing a room with a very finicky Martian
[M is for mum's name:] – mama:)
[N is for name of your crush ] – Khalil
[O is for overnight hospital stays] – well there was tht one time…no, not tht…well, I remember…nope...thts not it either…
[P is for phobias:] – I am scared to death of marshmallows
[R is for relationship that lasted the longest] – 7 days
[S is for Sports:] – Rugby, Boxing and Basketball
[T is for time you wake up:] – Who says I wake up…I sleep type!
[U is for underwear:] - Boxers
[V is for vegetable you love:] – God created meat for a reason
[W is for weekend plans:] – studying for my psycho test…go figure
[X is for x-rays you've had:] – why couldn’t X have been for Xebra?
[Y is for yummy food you make:] – cooking is wht others do...i eat
[Z is for zodiac sign:] - zzzzzzzzzzzz

Yesterday was my French class in the evening. I don’t know if I was a little early or Fizza came a lil’ late but somehow I had time to talk to one of my class fellows. Otherwise, we only communicate during the class and that too by repeating what we are told to repeat. Anyhoo, her name is ayesha and she’s a mother of two. I knew that by profession she is a nursery school teacher. As we got to talking, she started telling me about her nine year old daughter and how she is always on strike about one thing or another and is always protesting ever single thing. I told her to be careful when she turns 13. Then she said that every age is difficult and I agreed with her by saying that I couldn’t wait to be thirty. She said that it was all very well provided I got married before thirty. I think I don’t need to write what I said next...how marriage was not in my plans anymore etc.

Ayesha then said that it’s not easy for a girl to survive unscathed unmarried in our society and despite how things are changing, some facts remain intact. One of them is that a girl needs to get married. She then told me about what a loser her ex was and how he expected her to earn. She divorced him five years ago and since then he hasn’t asked about his kids once. And now even her daughter tells her to find a guy and get married. I told her that since she was capable and independent, there was really no need for her. To this she said that the reason she is safe is cuz her dad is an influential person, once he’s gone…who will look out for her?

Then after I got home, I sat down with dad to fill my preference form for the interview. My preference always has been Foreign office. But my dad has a different perspective on this. When I told him I was putting down Foreign Service, my dad went quiet. Then the usual, it’s your life, your career…you know best brigade followed. I asked him to tell me exactly what was on his mind and just as I suspected…he said that as a girl if I end up in Foreign Service, my family life will suffer. I told him that our family has lived apart in segments for years now. And Alhumdulilah, we still love each other. So I am not worried about that account. And I told him that this was the only family I needed in my life. I know what he meant…he’s worried about the same thing all over again but no! For once in my life, I am very clear about what I want. But my dad kept on saying that it’s not easy and soon the charm of traveling wears off.

I know he’s right. I don’t argue with the strength of his claim. Independence, freedom to travel etc are indeed charming but we all need a home to come back to. But what annoys me is that we view marriage as a social necessity and not as a personal choice. We see it as something central to life and not incidental. And what really gets to me every time is that we are so concerned about what the world will think, what ‘they’ will say that we always forget what is right for us.

Can anyone define ‘they’?

Each and every one of us, without any exception and commonly without any prejudice use the term ‘they’ to refer to the society in general. I use it too, and I have seen everyone else using it as well.

And the stink of this word is…we are all confronted by it and yet, we all constitute it.

We are ‘they’.

Khair, this morning at fajr I got a missed call from Faro. Back in university days, all the girls in my class used to give each other missed calls at fajr time so that if someone was sleeping, they could wake up and not miss their prayers. Also, during exams, we used to stay up at nights to study and to let each other know that we were up and studying, we used to give missed calls as well. We continued this practice for almost six months after our graduation and then somehow, the practice deteriorated to non-existence. So it felt really nice when I got that missed call and I reciprocated by giving missed calls to my friends from M.Sc.

There are so many things I miss now, things I know will never happen again. For instance…
• I miss playing cricket with abu, bhai and shan like I used to when I was in school
• I miss sharing my lunch with Farah, the first friend I made in grade 1.
• I miss being one of the guys, playing with Ali, Umar, Usman, Awais, Qasim and my brothers.
• I miss going home from school and telling ammi about everything that happened while having lunch with her.
• I miss playing with my rabbits
• I miss hearing stories from my nana ji and dada ji and I miss telling my nani stories that I always made and she always enjoyed.
• I miss walking to PAF golf course with girls I once considered my friends and using fake pak numbers to get chips n soft drinks.
• I miss walking all around the campus with saddy and eating samoosas.
• I miss talking to Erum in Jeddah about everything that ever crossed my mind.
• I miss lying in the grass in F.G looking at the cloud formations with Shena, Shifa, Amina, Izzah, Asma and Reema.
• I miss adeel’s e-mails and I miss talking to him about how cruel my seniors were.
• I miss all my friends from QAU, our trips to Ramli and Shahdra, the social ki cha’at samoosa and the orange juice in winters.
• And I miss being in Karachi with Noreen and candy, roaming around the city and being so delightfully removed from reality.

here it is, the horoscope that tells me down to every day how 2006 will be for me. Saddy got it as well and we are both posting it. lets see how accurate it turns out.

Virgo:
2006: Virgo Overview
You'll probably find the first half of 2005 to be quite different from the second, Virgo. During winter and spring, you'll be thinking over money matters, and trying to get things settled. In summer and fall, you may feel the need to hibernate for a while to get your energy level back to where it was before all the excitement started -- and these seasons will be exciting, for several reasons.
Still, you'll have nothing but success when it comes to finances, especially if you're working with a partner. Jupiter, the benevolent king of the gods, will spend most of the year helping you to make sound financial decisions and choose the right partners. Listen carefully to the advice of elders around the end of January. A relationship will heat up and turn quite passionate around the end of February -- and it will stay that way through March.
A pair of eclipses during April will get your spring off to an amazing start -- especially when it comes to intimate matters and joint finances. Someone from out of town may also make a rather stunning entrance into your life. Tend to your career responsibilities during May and June, and expect to be rewarded by authority figures as early as June 4th. Secrets and whispers will be on the agenda at the end of June, so expect to be spending some time behind closed doors -- but not necessarily alone.
Summer will arrive with the chance to join forces with a whole new group, either for spiritual or metaphysical reasons. You'll get an awful lot out of their company and their influence, so don't hesitate to get totally involved. Your birthday will be extra fun this year, thanks to a new Moon and a full Moon, bringing along surprises and lots of fast-paced change.
If you're in need of the advice of a professional during fall, rest assured that you'll find someone who can help during October or November. Look around carefully, do your homework and be sure to investigate all your options before you sign on the dotted line. Expect long-distance friends and family to come along during the holidays, making them especially merry. Enjoy!

2006: Virgo Career
You might fret and worry, but money won't be a problem for you this year. Work closely with supervisors or long-term clients through January and you'll meet all your milestones with ease. Work starts to get exciting in February as Jupiter enters the picture, and you'll find plenty to keep yourself occupied through the end of March.
April brings two eclipses that will mark a close to the latest round of financial struggles. You might also find it a good time to ask about raises and promotions. Toward the end of the month, you might make a valuable connection with someone outside your industry. Big rewards start to roll in for you, starting in early June. By the end of the month, you could find yourself stuck in the middle of a workplace battle, but make sure to give as good as you get.
As the summer slides into focus, you might feel drawn to new volunteer work, or perhaps even a shift in focus for your career as a whole thanks to a wider view of the world. New people in your life might pull you in different directions. The Moon will take an interest in you during late August and September, and probably will step on the accelerator a little as you go through some new and exciting changes.
It might be beneficial for you to seek the advice of a career counselor or coach in the autumn. Friends mean well, but they're inevitably biased. Your work and/or job search will progress smoothly, but will lack the zing that the early part of the year gave you. There might be a nice holiday surprise waiting for you at the end of this long year.

2006: Virgo Romantic
With the brand-spanking New Year, your urge to find a place for everything and get everything in its place kicks in, especially as you think about realizing your sweet little romantic resolutions. But you're also well aware that love often refuses to fit into tidy niches, preferring to act gorgeously unruly and surprise you when you least expect it. The end of January and the beginning of February are the perfect time to delve deeper into your personal romantic philosophy -- and to realize giving up a little control and keeping your expectations flexible can bring unexpectedly fabulous results.
Watch for someone who perceives your bountiful passion through your external reserve around February 23rd -- and watch for things to progress beautifully for the next month. Those already coupled up may find their relationship rather suddenly at an entirely new level. Watch what you say, and double-check email and text message from mid-March to mid-April as your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde, bringing the possibility of your love interest misunderstanding you entirely. But spring showers you with more romance, with April a month of hearts and flowers.
June may bring the kind of affair that has your usually level head up in the clouds -- but do keep your practical feet on the ground, as things may not be quite what they seem. The first weekend in July offers clarity (if you're keeping your eyes and your heart open). The rest of summer gives you opportunities in the realm of romance you can really sink your teeth into -- the juicy kind that please both your emotional side and your intellect.
The weekend of September 2nd gets autumn off to a fun and flirtatious start, with both your wit and charm nearly off the charts -- and for you, that's saying something. Watch for more of the same on September 30 and the following days. October or November finds you in your trademark caregiving mode, but you'll want to make sure the recipient is absolutely worthy of your attentions before moving forward. At Thanksgiving, you're thanking your lucky romantic stars for where you are now, and the December holidays bring new sparkling joy to your heart.

Here are the pictures from my neighbourhood. I-8 was the only sector blessed with these scenes. For a moment, we all believed that we were living in Murree!

I see that I am not as punctual as I used to be in posting on this blog. Its just that my days are not my days anymore and my evenings, well there’s a big no there as well. Work, my classes and of course my social obligations are taking my time and by the time I lie down, I am dead tired and all I want to do is just sleep.

Day before yesterday, Saddy got her new car….way to go doll and may you go all the way in your cool beige (no! I am not going to stop calling it COOL beige unless you name it Herbie or Monty). So, as I was sayin’ that saddy got her new car but before she did, we went for lunch at CJ. I know saddy aint that fond of the place but I like their mukhambi and its always fun going through their menu. Besides, I had to meet FIR and Faro there as well as we are planning our Economists batch Reunion on the 28th. Jan. That is something to look forward to. On our way back from CJ wa walked from there to Jinnah Super and the road looked so peaceful and serene. I know, it looked like any ordinary road but the mist, the trees and the soft rain made we want to walk.

I had my French class in the evening and that was both exciting and depressing at the same time. Exciting cuz I am learning something new and after a very long time, my brain cells are actively participating in something fresh. And yet, it was depressing cuz I know I will never be good enough.

Yesterday, Saddy and I decided to take Nubla to lunch and she decided to pay. We went to KFC and talked about a lot of things. Life is so ambiguous really. The idea to know what to fight for and what to let go and sometimes we need to fight for ourselves as well. Are you listening?

I came back even more depressed, yeah well I have my reason and in the office I ran into the delectable Ms. Faryal Gohar. I think she is one of the best looking ladies around; in fact she looks like a lady. She’s soft spoken, gentle and simply exquisite. I actually felt like asking her this very stupid question, what it felt like to be so beautiful. I sometimes wish that for one day, just for one day, I want to know what it feels like to be beautiful. I know saddy’s gonna roll up her eyes on this and I know that I sound ungrateful. But sometimes, even when you have everything, you want more.

Sanny came for her audition no.2 yesterday and I thnk it went well enough. I had to go for Saniya’s brother’s dholki and so I asked saddy if she could drop me on her way home. After offering my prayers at saddy’s she dropped me at Saniya’s. For some reason, very few people turned up. So after a very valiant attempt at screaming songs on the top of my voice so that the neighbors think that we were having a very smashing dholki, we opted to do what was necessary and that was to prepare Bidh. Bidh is the traditional gift of sweets and dry fruits from the groom’s side. So we sat in a circle with all of saniya’s khalas and cousins. I love big families. I wish I had khalas and phupoos as well and cousins who were actually cousins and not strangers whom you try to avoid on eids. Khair, it was pretty fun crowd. We had dinner and I spoke to Hassan bhai about the impending test and interview. He was very helpful and Saniya’s khala had to drag me from the table. Saniya’s brother gave me an IQ test book to prepare for the test and since I don’t dance, I sat down with the book. I was through twenty something questions when Erum pulled me from the sofa saying that I was the biggest nerd she had ever seen. Anyhoo, I stood there smiling for a while but then Saniya’s khala joined in the dancing and she was so funny. She was copying all the Indian dances in a very exaggerated fashion, the songs changed after every two minutes and saniya’s khala changed clothes three times. There was all that raunchy dancing and then we all gathered up in a circle and made those Irish dance moves, kids aunties alike. It was so much fun.

Saddy and I are still planning our Khi trip and I really want Noreen to go with us as well. I hope this trip works out….i really really want a vocation from everything.

I have my French language class in the evening and hopefully if I get time after that, I will post pictures from 17th Jan when it hailed in my sector and my sector only and the hails were so tiny and so many, it looked like it has actually snowed. Only I missed it cuz I was in the class. Will I ever see snowfalling?

Its been a couple of days since my last post. Where to take it from…
Sunday I caught up on much needed sleep and woke up at 12:30, lazed around for a while and went to Sanny’s for a much needed rendezvous and of course I had to borrow her French language notes. We talked for a while and then went for a walk.

I love winter afternoons when everything’s hazy and trees are bare. This is particularly why I love Islamabad because I get to enjoy all four seasons here. And well despite the fact that my fingers are often numb and blue because of the cold and my nose takes on a permanent pink tint for the duration like Rudolph the Reindeer, I enjoy winters. I enjoy the walks, I enjoy sitting by the heater gazing at the flames, I enjoy being tucked in the bed with a good book to read, I enjoy drinking fresh orange juice, I love the blades of grass glistening in the soft sunlight, I enjoy the vapors, the clouds and the rain. I simply love winters.






Anyhoo, Sanny & I went for a walk and we took our usual round but I felt like staying for a while and then we noticed the empty swings. And since there were no kids around, only adults, we decided to be kids and it was so much fun!!!
I haven’t slid down a slide in I don’t know how long and swings are always always fun!

I wanted to watch the constant gardener with Bhai in the evening but he was tired so I went to bed early as well.
Monday was another manic Monday. An is away as usual and I have to overlook her duties as well. This is really getting to me now. I want and very badly need some time off. I’ve been working eids and weekends. And everytime I ask YS in HR for leave, he says that give us some good news and we will give you paid vocations. Honestly!!!

My CSS Viva is getting close and psychological test even closer. CSS, for me, has proven to be interesting. I don’t even know if I will make it or not, (inshaAllah I will) but somehow unknown people have started calling me up. First some guy who said he was a quaidian and knew ‘of’ me in University through the dramatics club or whatever, wanted to meet me citing the reason that in all likelihood he and I will be training together in Lahore. I gave the imbecile a much deserved piece of my mind and he actually had the audacity to tell me that my response wasn’t becoming of a girl residing in Islamabad! Imagine that! And now some girl is calling me up sayin’ that since she too cleared the exam, we should be friends. What is up with this world?

My second French language class is today and I am actually tied up for this whole week. Saniya’s brother dholki, mehndi, barat and valima and then classes on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. When will I breathe?

Family and I were invited for dinner at Aban’s last night. With shan, aban and alhan’s appetite missing, the dinner still very nice. Amrat, as I have said a zillion times already is a very very very good cook. And as always, the discussion varied from television shows to politics and religion. And my problem is that when I start talking, I cannot eat. So by the time I finished narrating how imbeciles are running the electronic media (ahem) I was only left with a lamb chop while everybody else had finished their Kheer. I actually felt like asking amrat ‘please ma’am! Can I have some more?’

After the dinner, Amrat and I sat down by the fire place and we started talking about our careers. She was recently offered a very good job which is she turned down because she didn’t want to spend 12 hrs a day working with no eid holidays. The problem with being in the media is that you have to be available all the time. If you miss something, you might be missing something big and the chances of redeeming oneself are pretty low. That is the main reason why I know that by staying in this field I will be exhausted pretty soon. So I do agree with what Amrat said. The conversation then turned towards…yes you guessed it, Marriage.
I started off with the whole independent speech, how we are strong capable women and we don’t need this etc. But Amrat simply said that she wants to get married. I believe that Amrat is one person who has her heart and her head in the right place. And I agree it’s often a question of our wants rather than needs. But what bothers me is that why is this particular topic engulfing our lives? Every friend I call is either getting married, engaged, having babies etc. I really wish I could fast forward this phase and get it all over with.

I am the king of the news desk today. An is off once again to get someone in her family married. Dogar sahab is as usual missing in action and Farrukh sahib takes Saturday off. Pakistan is playing against India and is 470-4 with Younis batting at 99. I just finished making frantic phone calls to our Bajur Agency correspondent as what everyone in every news agency wants to confirm is if Zawahiri really was the target in these attacks?

I want popcorn!

Remember the Ballerina painting that I really liked and was almost willing to starve myself for so that I could purchase it with my savings? Guess what? A certain friend of mine who has become a very close friend in recent months has promised to buy me the painting as Valentine’s Day present.

And if that want enough for today, Saddy & I just booked two flights for Khi for a much needed vocation. I am simply exhilarated. Saddy doll! We are gonna have a blast InshaAllah. Wait! Blast aint a good word where khi is concerned;). You know what I mean:).

Eid has come and gone with the amount of eidi constantly dwindling. It was like any other day, on chaand raat I had a mild fever and basically went to sleep at eight p.m. and woke up the next morning, offered my prayers and set off for NK. We reached there a lil after eight. Surprisingly, my cousin Awais was there this time, not that I was interested in his presence. Then people started pouring in and around the time of Qurbani, I headed towards my room and tried watching television rather unsuccessfully and then I just fell asleep. I woke up at around 2:30 when Andre called me to wish me a Mubarik Eid. Then I went off to visit my cousins. Alina, my youngest cousin along with Samreen had installed this make shift swing and after what seems like centuries, I enjoyed a good old fashioned swing. It was the kind of swing that we see in those Punjabi movies during the ‘monsoon season’. It was a lot of fun. I enjoyed the ride and my cousins enjoyed my screams. What can I say, Samreen built a mean swing!

We came back in the evening, had dinner and I settled in the bed with an anthology of Tagore. Some say that Tagore is the greatest writer in modern Indian Literature. He even won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1913. My father first introduced me to Tagore after my B.A exams. Tagore is a brilliant writer. I simply love this one line:
“And that I exist is the perpetual surprise called Life”.

I particularly like this poem ‘man” by Tagore as well:
Man goes into the noisy crowd
to drown his own clamor of silence.

Man is immortal; therefore he must die endlessly.
For life is a creative idea;
It can only find itself in changing forms.

Man's abiding happiness is not in getting anything
But in giving himself up to what is greater than himself,
To ideas which are larger than his individual life,
The idea of his country,
Of humanity,
Of God.


Yesterday was work day again and I had to bring lunch for everyone at office. Rest of the day was pretty much routine. I watched Mughal-e-Azam in the evening and then my best friend’s wedding.
So, as everyone can see, life’s just peachy!

hey Saddy!! Hint Hint (ahem)

Your Gemstone is Ruby

Daring, ethusiastic, and spontaneous. You are energetic and passionate, with an appetite for life.

What Gemstone Are You?

Yesterday was my first French language class and man!! It was so much fun! Though half of the time I couldn’t understand what our teacher Fizza was sayin’ but it was really so exhilarating. It’s almost like landing on an alien territory. Besides, I really do miss being a student and the class is really interesting.

I was fasting yesterday and that too on an empty stomach as I woke up a lil’ late for sehri and only had a glass of water and half a glass of orange juice to drink. I was planning on joining the classes at AF but didn’t know the schedule. So yesterday when I called to check, they told me the classes were starting in the evening. Well, the class was supposed to start at 5:15, and that is the same time for Maghrib prayers and in yesterday’s instance, the time for iftari. Well, I basically had a half a biscuit to iftar, then offered my prayers in a room full of VHS and DVDs and then I rushed to the class. We are about sixteen people right now. Anyhoo, the teacher entered and launched her lecture with the smoothest French I have ever heard. We basically followed the gestures to make sense of what she was saying, most repeating what she was saying. I learnt three whole sentences ;). We were half way thru the class when two guys entered the room. One of them looked like an Arab and the other looked like he was French. He instantly reminded me of Xavier. Anyhoo, they were students as well and the get this, they were both diplomats. The Arab guy is a an Egyptian diplomat and the other is Lebanese and guess what? His name is the same as my older brother’s!

After the class, I went to the reception and bumped into Emaan. It is such a small city. I’ve known emaan for almost ten years. I bump into her everywhere. On family gatherings, we were together in college, then in university, now she’s in ARY. And then she complains that I don’t stay in touch. Anyhoo, she’s probably gonna be in our class as well.

It’s Eid tomorrow InshaAllah and I am bored. The weather is cold, my fingers are numb and I am still typing. I really wish I could go home, get into my warm bed and wake up after eid has passed. Shan is not gonna be here on this eid and eid is just not eid without him.

Noreen wrote this poem and the reason i am posting it here is pretty simple, i love the way she writes cuz she often writes whats on my mind.

where do I deliver
on an empty address book?

what do I deliver
to an empty heart?


Flowers on New Year

Day becomes night and then day again
And I wakeup to find myself
sleeping all alone.

Staring at blank papers
Sleeping on cold bed sheets.


Flowers on New Year

The January rain soaks us till we’re dry
Of all the words which had to be said
And this ringing emptiness
Reminding me of what I wish to forget…


Must I be teary eyed and lonely again tonight?


what does the ticking of the clock really mean?
what does the turning of the earth really matter?


How many resolutions made…
And how many promises broken…


Oh where do I deliver
Flowers to my baby


where do I deliver
on an empty address book?

what do I deliver
to an empty heart?

To you I say these words
For you I write what I write
To you I send my love
through the wind
May the light fall upon you
May the rain fall upon you too
so you can remember…my tears
my eyes….
My love…
Oh baby


How much have I cried for you
And how much must I cry more?


Flowers on New Year

The other night bhai and I, both were in a lazy mood so we stuck to watching television. MBC 2 was showing this old teen flick produced by Drew Barrymore that came out when I was a teenager myself, hence the appeal of watching the movie again. It was like any other teen flick, only it made me reminisce about my school and college days.

Since I haven’t studied in an American school myself I don’t know how accurate the portrayal is of the high school archetypes, but to some extent, the presence of certain groups is true. For instance, there is always a group of pretty girls who remain pretty their whole lives. There are always jocks, nerds, teacher’s pets and there is always, always the ‘in-crowd’. However, I don’t think I quite qualified as anyone of these. I did receive my fair share of nick names though…the one that stood out the most was well.., the ugly duckling.

I guess I wasn’t that bad looking but in comparison, I was rather simple. In a flock of peacocks I really was the ugly duckling. I was talking to Ali afterwards and we started talking about what we were like in school. I wonder how much our present lives are affected by these generalizations and how much of our personalities have we retained in all these passing years.

Yesterday, Nubla and Hyder had invited Sanny, Saddy and I to Hi-Tea. Saddy had to be some place else so it was only Sanny and I. Hyder brought his friend and friend brought his sister. Never caught the friend’s name but his sister Khula was really nice. We discovered that we were classmates in M.A. English Lit. Class. Anyhoo, it was quite alright but I vastly prefer the Hi-Tea at pappasallis. Hyder and his friend complained about being hit by flowers on the Mehndi and we all know that I have a pretty strong arm;).

So, two days from now is Eid InshaAllah and I will be going to NK for the day. The day after Eid, I will be back at work and I have been asked to bring lunch for everyone. I really miss ammar around Eid time simply because he is a great cook. He and I always had a blast cooking on Eid.

Other than that…I have a crush on a dead guy.

Crime & Punishment