My medical test for CSS was this Saturday. The very day after I returned from Karachi. I was tired, I wanted to sleep late and I wanted to not get my self medically examined. But I was required to undergo one despite my protests to exactly at eight o’ clock, I was in NIH.

I was one of the first to arrive and even the medical board hadn’t arrived yet. I called up Amna and asked her to come early as I could really use some company. The nice girl came promptly to my rescue. Other candidates started arriving and the usual questions started ‘how did your interview go’? ‘What is your preference? etc. I really didn’t want to answer because in all honesty, I didn’t have an optimistic answer.

The medical test started with measuring my height. Yes I am short and I won’t tell exactly how short I am. Next they asked me to stand on the weighing scale. They took the reading, then they asked me to do it again for a second reading and then they opened the rules book and promptly declared me underweight.

Me? Underweight? Me? What is this world coming to?

And then checked my eyesight and tested me for color blindness.

Well folks, if I am ever seen wearing a hideous color, please excuse me because I am partially color blind.

Yup! That’s me. I am short, underweight and partially colorblind!

Some medical test really!

And so my horoscope tells us…
‘You will travel to many places’. I would pay attention to it but it also told me once that my wife was a very lucky person.

But traveled I have, as I finally went to Karachi with saddy. Yes people Karachi!! For most people the idea of leaving the scenic beauty of Islamabad and Northern areas behind for the polluted climes of Karachi would be absurd. For me, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. It’s a place I am familiar with and yet I haven’t explored it to me heart’s content. Its distant enough to travel to and stay in for a few days yet within the country so no extensive procedures of getting a visa required. And most of all, it’s a place where I know many people I wanted to meet for a while.

So, saddy n I left for Karachi last Monday and after the usual hour delay in our flight courtesy of air blue, we reached the metropolis at about 2130. Our designated driver drove us to our rest house in Malir Cantt. Initially we wanted to stay some place close to the sea, which was too expensive. Then we settled for services rest house in the middle of the city and Karachi’s busiest areas…that somehow didn’t materialize so in the end, Malir Cantt welcomed us with open arms. It’s a stone’s throw away from the airport an far far far away from every place else.

Locating our mess was a bit adventurous as we ended up in bachelor’s quarters first. If only we were 16 again but we are not. So after much turning here and there and being lost in the wilderness if Malir cantt if you can call it that, we finally reached SAAD mess. The room was comfortable enough and the area was pretty interesting as our neighbors were all foreign cadets. Oh! If we were 16 again!

First day of vacations dawned on us with a crucial decision to make, whether to go to Hyderabad or not. I had to go or Jia would have killed me. Consultation with our driver Irfan bhai brought about the decision to postpone the trip to third day. So we picked up Shan from IBA, and went to Nando’s for lunch. And yes saddy! I agree. There should be a Nando’s in Isloo.

An excursion into Forum yielded a chance meeting with Ali. Afterwards we went to park Towers, my favorite hangout in Karachi and then we headed for Clifton Beach.




There’s something about the sight of sea that makes me feel so inquisitive and yet so small. It’s a world I know I will never comprehend.

Anyhoo, we stayed there for a while as our original plan was to meet up with Mij who had booked us a hut on Sandspit beach. We met for coffee and by the end of the meeting, Mij had invited himself on the trip as well and since he was the guy who had arranged for the hut, I couldn’t say no. So next day we picked up Shan from IBA again, picked up Mij who was late and finally showed with a bat and lots of jel in his hair. (please imagine the Johnny Cash hairdo here). Then we set about looking for food, something that would stay fresh and didn’t have to be heated. Since it was early, no restaurants were open. We finally got some sandwiches and were off to Sandspit. Its at about 75 minutes drive from Karachi. Even Mij didn’t know where the hut was and was carrying a map with a big arrow for a Red hut. The red hut turned out to be dark Grey that belonged to some Navy Admiral. Needless to say, it was really very nice and when I saw the waves, well, what can I say…shan’s right. Girls do have something about the sea. It’s not just beautiful, it’s divine.

It was really a very enjoyable day. We played cricket, shan n saddy vs mij n moi. Shan n Saddy won and yes! I do think Mij is a lousy cricketer and I will keep on telling him that. Then we started playing in the waves, Shan stayed with us for a while and then went inside the hut to study. It was fun till I got cramps in both my legs. That happens every time I exert myself. And then a wave knocked me on my back and I nearly drowned, would have if it weren’t for Mij. He pulled me out and that is something he will never stop reminding me of. Later we had lunch, then I asked saddy and Mij to join me for a walk. Saddy wanted to collect shells and somehow she disappeared while Mij n I were walking. Mij had obviously wanted to get away from his Girl friend and trust Batool Fatima to lend an ear when someone has issues in life. Anyhoo, we walked quite a distance while Mij poured out his miseries. We finally started back and sat on the verandah and looked at the sunset. We started back after the sun had set and Mij insisted to take us for a coffee. Mij is an enigma really. I knew ‘of’ him in University and he was the kid who never attended parties or went on trips. And yet here he was, taking a day off from work to hang out with a girl he came to know only recently and with two other people he didn’t know at all.

Anyhoo, we went to Caffeine and then Ali called cuz he wanted to meet for dinner. We met him at Nawab, Zamzama. Nawab is my favorite place in Khi for Desi food. And I think Ali liked it too. Then Ali, Saddy n I drove around Khi for a while and finally headed for Malir. All in all, everything in the day was Alhumdulilah, perfect.

Next day, Saddy n I took a guided tour of Quaid’s Mausoleum. Our guide was none other than the architect of the Mausoleum who has really turned the place around. I loved Quaid’s cars, both Piccard and Cadillac. Then he lent us his car for our trip to Hyderabad. The driver was well, no Irfan Bhai. Let me take a minute here to tell you something about him. Irfan bhai is a true karachiite and the best driver for the traffic in Karachi. He drives like a maniac and is a MQM worker to the core. Well, he couldn’t take us to Hyderabad and the driver that did agree was vereeeeeeeeeeeee slow. So saddy n I asked him to relax while saddy took the wheel and off we went to Hyderabad.

My friend Jia lives in Hyderabad. I have known her since I was seven so yes! We have been friends a very long time but the last time I saw her was some three years ago. Since then, Allah has blessed her with a daughter as well. I went to her family home for the first time it’s a beautiful house. What I loved the most was that it was so very feminine. Four generations of Jia’s family live there. And there are no guys around, her dad moved out when he took his second wife and jia’s hubby is moving to Khi for his job. We didn’t have much time to sit n talk but Jia always makes me think about things in my life.

We met up with Sam n Hassan in Time out and had a blast just sitting and talking. Sam is just such great company. I think she can lift just about anyone’s spirit and in no time, we were laughing like maniacs.

Next day, we had planned on just sleeping late but the person who had arranged for our stay and given us his car to use asked us to join him and his family for lunch. I was supposed to meet Ali at McDonalds and Hassan had to return my ID card so from doing nothing we went onto a pretty hectic schedule. Anyhoo, we managed to squeeze in all our chores and reached airport in time only to find out that the flight was late.

So, will I go to Karachi again? Any time baby!!! Anytime at all.

I guess the day you’re able to laugh about something that made you cry for months, heralds your decisive convalescence. Laughter, I believe brings you the ultimate closure. And compared to the time when I couldn’t stop crying, today I just cannot stop laughing.

Time, may not heal all wounds but it certainly gives you the requisite balm.

Suppose it’s just an optimistic point of view, but I believe now, InshaAllah, I am going to be fine

somethings end this way..with little ceremony
Thats the dull ending of our story

Oblomov, a byword in Russian literature for inertia is what I would use for myself.

I am fine, honestly. There is nothing wrong with my life Alhumdulilah. I am alive, healthy, working and planning a vacation. Alhumdulilah, my family is fine, we all have promising careers Alhumdulilah, and we are all healthy Alhumdulilah. I am blessed with friends who talk to me; listen to me and pretty much let me be the person I am. Sometimes, I honestly feel I am the luckiest person on this planet.

But why is it that I always seem to strive for the wrong things in life? Why is it that my prayers are generally for the wrong things? I think I am educated well enough, and generally come across as a sensible person so why is it that I cant stop myself from making mistakes?

We all have our own worlds. Each and every one of us has one; every person related to them has his/ her place in that world. And in our world, we are the most important persons. And our world is essentially made up of our dreams and our desires. For us, the reality is our drive, the truth is our perception. The ‘given’ and ‘granted’ is never sufficient, but rather what we achieve is what makes our world. It’s a world where the will doesn’t affect matter but what matters is our will. And in this world, we are the constants while everyone else and everything else is a variable.

I know, ego is hateful.

I am lost in the chaos and yet I am the chaos! I think that’s obvious. Why? I don’t really know?

Probably because I thought I had figured myself out, I thought I had found a pattern in life, I thought I had found a meaning to my existence.

And yet, its all so senseless, my life, my self and my existence.

But maybe, just maybe, that is the real struggle in my world, to create beauty out of this chaos.

Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the
Varieties and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes
Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!

Yesterday dawned with infinite possibilities…or at least quite a lot of them. I had marked 14th Feb as a very important day in my life…and for totally different reasons than most of this world’s population. I woke up early, prayed the best I could and dressed the best I could while singing ‘I’m gonna get dressed for success’.

I left the home as hopeful I could possibly be & kept on praying the whole way. I reached FPSC and somehow my timing and that of other candidates matched perfectly as Amna, Hassan and I got out of our respective vehicles at the same time. We walked to the waiting room, three of us waiting for our destinies.

Destiny?

Some say it’s a matter of chance…for other’s it’s the choices we make.

For me…destiny is elusive.

These past few months, I have been trying to read the omens and signs to figure out what life has in store for me. I can say that I changed my dreams very radically just so I would have some control over who I become or where I might end up in future.

And yet today I am more clueless then I have been in the past.

I can’t say things are going as I planned them…they may turn out the way I wanted them to and may still take a turn for the best…I don’t know. But I do know that I am hopeful so call me a fool.

I came back to my office after my interview, determined to continue with my life. I was depressed but at least here I am welcomed and people tell me that I am needed here. Work runs more smoothly in the office. I believe them because I want to believe them.

I thought I was doing it right…
I was dreaming and acting….
I was planning and believing…

And I am not going to stop!

I just have to find new dreams now…

My class fellow Ali from Canada was depressed too yesterday, as was almost every one of my friends. I honestly think it’s an unintelligent idea to designate a day to love. Its puts pressure on people and makes them feel unwanted and alone.

So anyhoo, Ali was depressed and I was depressed. He was depressed cuz his girl is giving him a hard time. I was depressed because of the way my interview went. i was checking my mail and it was then that I realized that my inbox was full and yet so empty. I told Ali and the next thing I know, I got an e-card from him. He was sweet enough to send me a card to cheer me up.

Sanny and I had planned on visiting Saniya in the evening but sanny couldn’t make it so I went by myself. Though we both were not in our prime moods, we still enjoyed talking to each other.

My trip to Karachi is approaching but I am kinda worried about the riots in our country. They started after the issue of publication of those damned cartoons caught the world’s attention. And honestly, they are getting out of control. Yesterday it was isloo, today Peshawar is all pandemonium. It is so supremely ludicrous that Pakistani’s are killing Pakistanis instead of taking a positive action. Riots never solve anything. Chaos creates chaos. Violence begets violence. Sometimes I wonder how humans can go berserk!

There’s really only one problem with me…
I’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything that I truly want in my life

There's a teeny tiny radical butterfly which is violently kicking me in my stomach!!!

Life?
What about it?
What’s so extraordinary about it that despite the fact that everyone lives it, no one understands it and we just can’t stop talking about it.
Fahd asked me this question the other day…life? What have you learnt? And I repeated a line from linkin park ‘ life is a lesson, you learn it when you’re through’.
But do we?
Two of the most dearest people in my life are going through problems right now. Problems I know I can’t fix. Problems that are sapping their energy and rationality. And I know, that no matter what kind of wisdom I offer them or how much I try to console them…they will not come around until they decide to.
I know, most people tell me that I haven’t been through much in my life. Agreed! No arguments there. But sometimes you don’t need to go through a lot to learn something important. And sometimes, no matter what you go through, you just cannot understand. That generally happens to people in love.
Yes! That is my opinion about love. It is an emotion and it exists.
We are all in love with love! How fascinating!!!
But this emotion, this one single emotion can be so devastating that it can take years of your life…sometimes it can take the life out of your years as well.
I know, I have been there.
Here’s what I have to say about it.
Life is a series of sunrises and sunsets. Sunsets (like this amateur picture I took today while talking to saddy) are an end to something that is a part of our life. We often fear it and in that fear miss the exquisiteness of it. The glorious colors, the magnificence of the moment, everything is wasted in our woes. And yet, every sunset is beautiful in its own way. Problems we face in our everyday life are often like these sunsets. But once we get past them, we realize that we’re truly better off.
After all, there would be no sunrise, if there were no sunsets.

I can’t stop yawning today. It’s tenth of muharram which is an official holiday for EVERYBODY in Pakistan except us poor unfortunate people in the media who simply must get out of their warm beds and drag themselves across the city simply cuz they’re workaholics.
Yes! I am officially a workaholic now. Lets face it people…it was about time I developed some eccentricity. And this eccentricity pays!!!!
Last night as I went to bed, I was, as has become a habit with me, worried about my up-coming interview. So I picked up my cell phone and sent a message to my friends something to the effect ‘please remember me in your prayers…I can really use a miracle’. I guess I sounded like the sky has fallen down on me…cuz in quick succession I got messages from Sam, Noreen, Faiza, Faro and Hassan. Noreen and Sam were worried and asked me if I were alright. I said tht I was Alhumdulilah, only worried about the interview to which I got reassuring messages from both of them. Then I got a call from Asma Nazir, an old college friend whom I have stayed in touch with. I had messaged her as well and she too was worried. I realized then that I had created quite a stir. That wasn’t the only realization. I also realized that Alhumdulilah there are so many people who care about me and are willing to offer their comforting words the instant they find out that something’s on my mind.
How did I get so lucky?
Saddy and I went shopping for my clothes for the interview. Yes I know! But it truly is a once in a life time thing (hopefully) and I really want to look good. I really really do! Anyhow, we selected two dresses, one is maroon and the other is Red!!!!!!!!!! It was only after I got home that I realized that I will be wearing them for my interview which is on the valentine’s day!!!!!!!!!
Yup! Another valentine’s day. Let’s see…
• the number of secret admirers….zero
• the number of handsome hunks lined up around the block to ask me to be their valentine….nil
• The number of flower bouquets booked by gorgeous men to be delivered to me in my office so that everyone goes oh and ah!!....zilch
• The number of gorgeous men (at all) in my life…zip
And with that I zip my complaining.l
…isn’t it funny the number of ways one can say 'zero'?

Sam posted this in my scrapbook in the morning...

....................................................................................
This fall
I fall.
Have known for a long time.
It’s like seeing in the future,
Knowing what turn things will take,
How far you will go and then turn away.
Taking your own path,
Following your own dreams.
Knowing almost exactly to the minute
When I’ll feel the grip of your hand loosen around mine,
Feeling the uncertainty of the moment
When I panic and grab your hand
Trying to get that life-giving grip back…
To feel the warmth again….
I have the feeling in the pit of my stomach now…
That I’ll have then,
When you’ll pull your hand away.
Albeit if reluctantly.
I can see the look in your eyes
When you look into mine
And shake your head.
I can feel the warmth of your hand
That will cup my right cheek,
Your thumb on the dimple you adore now.
The butterfly touch of your fingers
As you tuck my hair behind my ear.
Like you have a million times before.
Like you’ll never do again.
Except when you enter my dreams,
Unannounced, uninvited.
I wonder if anyone understands,
This feeling of knowing what no one wishes to know
This curse of reality.
And still going on?
Watching the pit and not stopping?
Watching death and ignoring its existence?
This fall
I fall.
And I fall with open eyes.

To be or not to be....?
Yes! That is the question precisely. How did it come about…here are the lackluster details.
A Danish journal published some caricatures in September 2005 which I honestly think are in excruciatingly bad taste. The purpose according to the newspaper’s administration was to explore the freedom of press. But the only thing that it very successfully promulgated was a series of protests all over the Muslim world.
For a moment, let’s forget religion here. It’s about the basic inviolability of any person’s beliefs. We are all entitled to them and no one should have the right to deride what constitutes another person’s beliefs. Its basic decency!
Yes! One can and must explore the origins of religions and make sensible judgments. Most of us are all born into some religion; it is our prerogative to stick to it. I respect other people’s rights to believe in what makes sense to them but I don’t think that anyone has to the right to enforce their beliefs on anyone at all. Not even the most erudite of individuals can claim this right.
This morning many of our regional correspondents reported protest rallies all over the country. Dogar sahib asked me if I had seen the caricatures. I had and I guided him to the source on Internet. Next thing I know, my ex’s uncle who is a qadiani and doesn’t believe in the finality of prophet hood came and stood next to dogar sahib, looking at the cartoons. I knew instantly his purpose. It doesn’t take a 160 IQ to realize why he found them so interesting.
Later I told dogar sahib that he should have been careful. He agreed that he should have been. Then he said to me that just yesterday he was wondering why I was so religious given the fact that I was so young.
I asked him what he considered ‘religious’? He said that since I observe fasts and pray the regular five prayers and cover my head, I am religious. Though I disagree with his criteria of being religious, I asked him what a girl of my tender years should be doing. He said, that the same thing my class fellows are doing which he needn’t explain. I understood his drift to the obvious. I don’t date, I don’t have a boy friend, unlike most other girls, I am working, and though at one point I wanted to get married, I don’t anymore. I don’t spend hours in front of the mirror. I prefer to spend my money over books and traveling rather than buying new clothes and jewelry.
What’s wrong with me?
I know there is an answer to that. But my question really is… What’s wrong with being a believer? Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism are all codes. What’s wrong with following them? Religion and fanaticism are two different aspects. Why is it that we who are educated cannot make out the difference between the two?
Why is it that we are constantly excusing our religion?

I’m tired!!!
How’s that for a start? I really am very tired. Have had a very busy week and the coming month is busier still. I have given my psychological tests and I think this time I wasn’t able to fake sanity. I have my Interview for civil service scheduled for 14th February (yes! Valentine’s day!! And to think I used to complain that my valentine days were always boring). My medical test is on the 25th and on the eve of 20th I am going to khi with Saddy. Bulletins have started from our bureau and needless to say that is taking my time as well. And lets not forget that I enrolled in a French language course.

And yet, despite the fact that I am so busy…I have never been so alive otherwise. Yes! I am worried about my result…yes! I have never wanted anything as singularly as I want this to work out…yes! I know it’s a long shot and there are more deserving candidates than me…yes! I never really thought I’d clear the exams at all and now that I have, I am driven to give it all that I have…yes! Right now, this is the one thing that can make me perfectly happy.

What is perfect happiness?

I know…being posted in France and cruising around French villages in my convertible. Just me, all by myself.

The psychological test was incredibly tiring. And for some reason known only to them, they wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life. My financial status, that of my family’s over the years, my friends, their religion orientations etc. They left nothing out. And yes! I was asked about my engagement, and my fiancé’s occupation etc. I crossed it and wrote ‘not applicable’!

There were eight people in all, including me. There was one girl who is Shan’s friend's girl friend. She is obviously younger than me and I was thinking, wow! She actually has a love life! The guys in my group were all from Faisalabad. It was interesting lot, I like people who can speak Punjabi so unreservedly with the proper accents and loud guffaws to accompany the words. However, I somehow felt ’removed’ and distant.
Sounds weird doesn’t it?
Let me explain. I have had a very privileged up-bringing. By privileged, I mean I have lived in good peaceful cities my entire life and I am Alhumdulilah blessed with a family that has always looked out for me. Pakistan, on the other hand, is a country with many aspects, not all of them can be termed idyllic. We have problems such as illiteracy, women are still scorned and considered commodities, there’s feudalism, there are heinous acts carried out in the name of honor, religious fanaticism. I am not saying that this is prevalent all over my country, but we still have some dark corners. So, anyhoo, we were given a topic to discuss, that of the marathon comprising of both men and women which was a big issue recently. I was in favor, something guys on my panel were against. Then while we were discussing feudalism, I said that to me feudalism was a perception, something we still accepted as true and valid. What I meant to say was that it is alive because we still justify it and accept it and not do anything to eradicate it. The boys thought I was saying it didn’t exist. In truth, it doesn’t exist for me, except in books and stories and some isolated incidents.
I live in a different world altogether.
The interview with psychologists was well interesting in its own way. I was asked about my work, my family ( as expected) and then I was asked about my opinion on Iran’s nuclear plan!!!!!!!! Current affairs…psychology? Does that make any sense? And then I was asked about my scarf!!!!!!!!
Let me make a statement here…once and for all. All I am looking for is acceptance. Acceptance of my right to dress as I feel comfortable. Acceptance of the fact that I am strong enough to wear what I believe is right for me. I think it should reflect on my personal strength that I willingly don’t look good. It’s killing one of my basic instincts everyday. Every single day and it’s not an easy battle. And I have confidence in my abilities that I am a capable, functioning person and my scarf doesn’t limit my thinking abilities.
An has been moved to the evening shift, which means that I have to be here, right on time to make the daily coverage schedule. Which also means no extra fifteen minutes of sleep!

His Majesty King Abdullah is on a two day official visit to Pakistan. I respect the guy for purely religious sentiments but please!!! Don’t come again. We don’t need to be stuck in traffic for hours and the entire city doesn’t need to come to a standstill because our rulers are paranoid when it comes to security arrangements. Next time you want to meet us, invite us to come over. I promise you we will be no trouble at all.

Lets have coffee, shall we?