I believe I read this some years back. A person thinks as per his/her vocabulary. For instance, I could never think a scenario to be alloyed if the word alloy was not a part of my vocabulary. I think it’s a fair enough judgment though it warrants a further speculation.

Yesterday, after much deliberation, Nubla, Sana & I took Saniya out. It was her first wedding anniversary and that too away from her husband. Omer Bhai is in US and Saniya has been trying to procure a visa but has been unfortunately, unsuccessful. Nubla & I wanted her to ‘not be alone’ but she wanted to stay at home and sulk. However, Nubla and I decided that she shouldn’t. So I devised a scheme with Nubla as my co-conspirator. We convinced Saniya that ‘I’ was depressed. Reason being that it was my first anniversary as a ‘woman scorned’ sans fury and I was consequently desolate and in desperate need of my friends. Nubla acted the part of the worried friend and Saniya relented.

I played the part of a depressed soul because as per my vocabulary, it’s the only state I am qualified for. I can’t be happy, I can’t be satisfied. I can’t be adventurous or zealous about anything in particular. Such is the sad limit of my vocabulary.

So, yesterday, we went out to dinner.

As planned, we purchased a silver ring with green and white Zircons for Saniya. This is my latest fascination, birth stones. Anyhoo, Saniya’s in-laws graciously lent us a car and we spent the evening at Cinnamon…a very quiet place. Then we spent some time window shopping and came home.

The days I can handle…nights are another story.

Sometimes, I think till this time last year, my life lacked the requisite ‘X-factor’ so Allah ji gave me an ‘EX’.

It’s been a year to this day. And as they say in Urdu…mai nai aik aik din gin kai guzara hai. I have factually counted everyday. I look at my room today and I see not much has changed. At least, I myself have made no changes. I still remember the place where he sat when we first met. Sometimes, I feel he’s still there and I have only to extend my hand and reach him…

It’s funny how a year can pack a distance of eternity between us.

There may be a battle of sexes but in my life…there’s only a battle of the exes. And he’s winning. Life is certainly on his side. I sometimes think that I would have forgiven him if only once he had had the guts to admit that he had deceived me. Really, I know I have the strength to have forgiven him. I would have attended his wedding and I would have given him the presents I bought for him. If only he had been a man.

I know I never loved him…but I did love the man I thought he was!

I know someday I will meet him again. This is not the end of our story. It can’t be.

I just hope, I meet him on my terms and on my turf whenever that happens.

I do however wish I had met someone else in this time. I hate for him to being the only person who entered my life in that capacity and with that outcome. But I have always been a closed door that required a particular key. I guess this is my end. I was never very feminine so I can’t consider myself entitled to such pleasures and pursuits. I never had any love to give… being as cold and detached as I am. So there’s no big loss to this world.

And yet, I feel vacant. I’ve been talking to Nubla about it and she agrees that in all the time she’s known me, I have never been so bitter. She thinks I am going into depression. Now, for us Psychology students, Depression is not a couple of hours of ‘being down’. It means a period of bleakness. It means not all is well. It means, I need help.

Now, I know that. Though I kept on telling Nubla that I am fine. Unhappy but fine. I know I am not. I know that I need a miracle to start believing in myself again.

Now, where do I place a request for a miracle?

Days in summer, as Oscar Wilde put it, are apt to linger.
Summer is setting its hold on Islamabad and the nights are decidedly warm. I know because I have finally parted with my blanket and turned the fan on full force. I like summers, the nights keep me awake and days give me time to sleep.
Sunday passed without much consequence. I woke up early, around 9 in the morning and spent the morning watching a movie ‘The Mighty’ with Bhai. For some reason, it got me thinking…
Thinking! The one thing I prefer not to do anymore. Nayar just asked me why I read so much…and my reply was…that it keeps me from thinking. There is nothing more boring than being alone with your thoughts.
Anyhoo, Maria and Sana came over in the afternoon. I met Maria after some 6 months. Last time was when Sana & I went to the land far far away to meet her. This time, she traveled the distance after a 30 minute call full of my taunts focusing on the fact that I had forgotten what she looked like. We sat, we talked and we ate apple pie and brownies. Then in the evening, I went to watch ‘King Kong’ in the Club with Saniya. The movie is brilliantly made but useless for all that. I mean, what was the point? I am all for mindless entertainment but really, must it be so irritating?

There really is no such thing as a life long passion. I believe the only reason this term exists is because there’s a certain element of romanticism attached to it. I used to believe in it though…thinking that reading and writing for me were going to be life long passions. But it’s not true. I don’t want to write any more…I don’t want to be known through my writing anymore, not that my writing boasted of any substance ever. I just don’t want to express anything anymore. And knowing full well that I myself can’t read my blog anymore, I am still writing. Probably because it was never a question of my preference for writing. Nobody says they prefer to breathe.

And the fact that this is the only place where no matter what I write I appear as ‘danishmand’—the enlightened.

I used to write poetry, at least a certain number of people used to think I wrote well. I can think of at least a dozen people I wrote love poems for that they could give to the person they loved. I never wrote one for my self except this list of contradictions I thought could endear a person to me. But I gave that away to Hannah as she really liked it. I have never kept a poem for myself.

I had a very busy morning today; tripartite commission meeting, senate committee elections etc had me running all over the place. By the time tickers were sent, stories filed I was exhausted. And I couldn’t care less about my work.

There’s a time and a place and a reason…this isn’t my time, I’m out of place and I have lost all reason.

I missed Saniya today…she’s usually the only person whom I confide in these days…hopefully I will see her this week. I need to.

Nubla and I were talking today and she said like a magic genie, that if I did something for her, I could have three wishes.

And yet, I can’t think of anything more than what I have right now. I don’t know if I am satisfied with my life or indifferent to it.

During our conversation, I said to Nubla that I believe that InshaAllah things will work out for her and she said that she seriously doubted me. I can recall at least a few times when Nubla has said the same to me…

I wonder why we are so sanguine about other people’s fate and so cynical about our own.

Of late, I have been thinking of life, death and life after death. As a staunch believer of muslim faith, I do believe that there is a hereafter, just as firmly as I believe in my own existence. In some ways, this faith may be stronger because I can see, feel, touch and hear myself but my belief in a hereafter is based purely on one account, Allah has promised us a hereafter, a greater more significant life.

Not that I am doing much to prepare for that life, in fact, as a person I have deteriorated beyond recognition. But there are somethings that are making me more aware of the fragility of this life. For instance, Saniya and I were talking the other day about her grandmother who recently passed away. We both deliberated about how life just passes us by in a blink. And how every day just fizzles out right in front of us and we never make an effort to do what is truly right.

I know Saniya’s right. I’ve been working for two years now and in these two years, I can’t say I have done a single good deed that may be the cause of my deliverance on the day of judgment. And time is passing me by while all I do is deliberate about life.

Yesterday, I called up Tabi, a classmate who MashaAllah got nikah-o-fied day before yesterday. I haven’t seen her since graduation and the last time we spoke was almost a year ago, when she called me to congratulate me on my engagement. And now, after a year I was calling to congratulate her. A year…a whole year has passed and what have I done? Nothing to truly thank Allah ji for saving me from a certain disaster. Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

So today, I’ve decided to do one thing that may set my life in some right direction. I decided to forgive one of the people who have hurt me in the past. So, I wrote an e-mail wishing that person well because I know that I have hurt people too. And maybe someday one of those people will forgive me as well…and maybe that will set things right…for once.

There are different kinds of people in this world. I won’t even try to list all the categories. I will however name myself in the cheerleaders’ squad. No! not the pretty, perky & flamboyant sort of cheerleader at all. Just somebody who would do the lil bit of nudging and pushing forward to whoever requires it.

I hated the observation Adeel made about me once…that given the kind of person I was, I was likely to be the ‘woman behind the successful man’. He was entitled to his opinion and rightly so because I was the one who pushed him to study further in Germany. But I told him that his observation somehow made me sound like a cold person and that I would rather be the woman behind the happy man.

These past days, blogger has stopped working so in all likelihood, whatever I am writing will not be read by anyone which is just as well…I write crap.

Anyhoo, recently my orkut profile has been an area of much activity thanks to a few testimonials all written in a span of 24 hours. When I read all of them in one go…I figured they all had one element in common…I give great advice!

Ali’s in town. He was here last week and he went back on Sunday. He was back this past Monday cuz somehow he contracted measles. Measles!!! I mean who in their right age has measles at 24? But anyhoo he is and last night he called me and kept sayin’..i’m done for. Today, I finally got him to start talking. Turns out his folks want him to settle down and he thinks he’s too young. Granted he’s only 24 but my brother got married around his 25th birthday and he’s happier for it, so I seconded his parent’s directive. And finally he agreed to at least get engaged and singled out a girl he said can consider. Then I guess he felt some sort of gratitude and he said that he unburdens himself to me quite often. I said it was no big deal and he said that even if he gets married…I’d still hear about all his woes. Am I that good a friend?

The winds are blowing…the same winds I have asked to carry my prayers to my Lord. These same winds have seen me pleading to Allah ji for people I poured my heart and soul into prayers for. Adeel, Adeel’s Shrin, Shirin, Shirin’s Ali, Sidra, Usman & Saba and most importantly for Umar. All of these people I know are MashaAllah happy and none of them cares now that I was there for them when they needed me. And I am tired of being ‘the friend’. I am very very very tired!

I wish I had a heart of stone…better still, I wish I had no heart at all!!!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going!!
In my case, when you don’t appear tough enough, you arrange to appear tough enough.
I still don’t understand what civil service has to do with my being under-weight. This is FPSC stance by the way that I am under-weight. I think, given my height, I am fine Alhumdulilah. And as anyone who has seen me eating would tell you, it’s not for want of appetite that I am the way I am.
I think I mentioned earlier that even after clearing the exam, interview, psychological test, I was declared temporarily medically unfit because I weighed 4 k less than the required weight. I was sent a notice on 31st March, giving me only about 8 days to gain 4 k. And really, that is not easy for me.
So, I ate all I could in the past days, and still last night, I weighed 40 k. I had to think of something because really, who is ever rejected on medical grounds. It’s my intellect that should make a difference…
Stupid rules!
I guess I needed to do something equally stupid to break this idiotic rule. Since I couldn’t come up with anything smart, I decided to sleep on it.
Eureka! In the morning when I woke up, I had a plan Alhumdulilah. Well, I know it was devious but hey! FPSC deserves it.
So, this is what I did. I took out my very sparsely worn cargo pants and matched them with one of my shirts. Next I asked samreen to find me all the locks that she could, rusty or in use, didn’t matter!. And then I put the locks in my pockets and viola! Instant weight gain!!!
And it worked! I weighed precisely 44k on the weighing machine and when they asked me how I gained the weight…I gave them a long list of food, that I have actually been eating but without much success.
It’s amazing what a few rusty old locks can do to unlock a person’s future!

They say that friends are the family you choose. I think they’re right…whoever they’re.

I admit that most of my problems are a defect in my perception and they can be avoided pretty easily but I guess I really don’t know how to handle them, let alone avert them. And though I may not have been very lucky in most of the situations in my life, when it comes to being surrounded my good people, I can say that I am very blessed.

While Nubla sent me comforting messages constantly on my messenger and through SMS, Sam and Noreen reassured me that they understood my dilemma. They also spoke to him and Alhumdulilah, things have improved tremendously.

Crisis averted (I hope, InshaAllah)

Last night, I watched Capote, this year’s recipient of Best Movie Oscar. Can’t say that it’s the best movie I’ve seen but I do think it was much better than Broke Back Mountain.

I found Capote’s personality very fascinating. On one hand, he lied to Perry Smith to get to his side of the story and on the other; he couldn’t bring himself to see Perry die. I guess at least from the movie that Nelle Harper Lee understood him better than most people. In the end when the convicts are executed and Capote feels remorse, he says to lee…
I couldn’t have done anything to save them,
to which she replied…
Maybe not Truman but the truth is, you didn’t want to…

The movie ended with a quote of Truman Capote’s:
More tears are shed over answered prayers than the unanswered ones.
After reading this quote on the screen, I thought of what I was wondering the other day, of how many prayers I have offered in the past year and how many of them were answered. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I couldn’t help but wonder about it the other day. It is true, as the Chinese proverb says…be careful what you wish for, you might get it. I know, as human beings we don’t have all encompassing understanding and thus most of the time, what we think is good for us…isn’t. So yes, we do shed more tears over answered prayers than the unanswered ones…but that’s a risk we all take.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza

Life…never under estimate its power to surprise you and from time to time, show you that you haven’t got it all figured out!

Problem is the time’s not just fleeting, it’s running at a mighty quick pace and I don’t have my running shoes.

I have recognized one pattern in my life though. Every time some guy decided that because of everything that he is, he is essential to MY happiness, I end up crying my eyes out in the middle of the night and looking like a Hag in the morning. (notice the capital H? its for emphasis).

Last night, many of my misunderstandings were cleared. He never intended to be just a friend. And I hate that. I hate the fact that people think that a guy and a girl can never be friends. What kind of a misconstrued philosophy is that? If friendship can surpass borders, language barriers, religion, why can’t it transcend genders?

I called up Noreen last night, with my head spinning at an alarming rate. No matter what Saddy and Nubz say…I am entirely too old for this. Freaks and Jerks I can handle but people sneaking up on me in the guise of friendship are just not what I am used to. And especially those who are not willing to take no for an answer.


I tried sleeping on it last night…but I couldn’t. It’s going to be a year this month since the fiasco of my engagement and Lord knows I have lost count of the nights I couldn’t sleep. Only in the past couple of months, I had regained some peace of mind and I am not at all prepared for another assault on my new found serenity.

So, after much tossing and turning interspersed by my incoherent pleas to Allah ji, I got up for my prayers. Since the weather was cold, I had stopped going on the roof for my Tahajud prayers.

The nights are still cold and I wasn’t very well prepared for it. But I held my ground or my chaddar around me for that matter. After my prayers, I sat and watched the stars and found a rather unusual Satellite moving across the sky as well. And I couldn’t help but think of all the prayers I have offered under this sky.

Where do my prayers go?

When I was in school, I never understood the fascination with weekends. In fact, I was one of those irritating kids that thought school was actually fun, no matter how much homework I got. But now, weekend happens to be the most important part of my week. Or as Joseph Addison very aptly said ‘Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.’

Yesterday however, my memory was rusty and I forgot that the day was Sunday. So I woke up pretty much at the same time that I wake up everyday for office. And I started getting ready when I realized that the day was Sunday.

The whole day was pretty much like any other Sunday. I slept a little, I read a lot. And I did what I was supposed to do…took the coward’s way out and wrote him an e-mail. I had no reason, but I had made my decision.

In the evening family and I went to Amrat’s and from there we went to Race Course Ground where a flower exhibition was in full bloom. I found in a new interest in Horticulture and quite a few new species of flowers there. Aban’s dad moved around memorizing the names of flowers he wanted to plant next year in his garden. Then we had Dahi Bhalay, Chaat and Gol Gapai…which were quite tasteless but it was fun squatting on the ground in the dark and eating food we couldn’t see.

I confided in Amrat about my latest dilemmas while she confided in me about hers. She has been offered a scholarship to study Public Relations in Turkey and she wants to take it up. But in true fashion of all parents, her mother thinks she should either get married or if she HAS to study she should go to UK for further studies.

I told her that she should go. If not for the education then simply for a great opportunity to travel in Europe. The University she has selected is in Andalusia so I believe she will come back with rich experiences of a splendid culture.

So, that’s another person moving out of the country. I think I have quite run out of people now.

We went back to Amrat’s place where I had probably the best Strawberry Cheese cake ever. I love to eat…there are no two ways about it But if the food is made incredibly well, I eat it reverently without saying one word.

These days, I need to eat as much as I can. My CSS exams may have been cleared but the Federal Public Service Commission sadly founds me lacking in one vital area…my weight. I have been issued a notification that declares me medically unfit temporarily unless I gain 4 kgs by 8th April. So much for my joining civil service.

Anyhoo, I came home and since I had nothing to do…I sang songs to Ammi…the only person who listens to me despite the fact that I cant sing to save my life. The night could have ended on a good note there but Noreen sent me a follow-up on my e-mail.

I don’t know what I am doing.
Sam says that I shouldn’t be afraid of hurting people if it’s not intentional.
I believe that it is better to hurt people in the short run rather than make them and yourself suffer in the long run.
Saddy says that the reason I have based my decision on is not good enough.
I think I can’t go through another ordeal. I am just not strong enough.
Noreen’s equally shocked…apparently she didn’t see it coming either.

Lord! What am I going to do?