There really is no such thing as a life long passion. I believe the only reason this term exists is because there’s a certain element of romanticism attached to it. I used to believe in it though…thinking that reading and writing for me were going to be life long passions. But it’s not true. I don’t want to write any more…I don’t want to be known through my writing anymore, not that my writing boasted of any substance ever. I just don’t want to express anything anymore. And knowing full well that I myself can’t read my blog anymore, I am still writing. Probably because it was never a question of my preference for writing. Nobody says they prefer to breathe.

And the fact that this is the only place where no matter what I write I appear as ‘danishmand’—the enlightened.

I used to write poetry, at least a certain number of people used to think I wrote well. I can think of at least a dozen people I wrote love poems for that they could give to the person they loved. I never wrote one for my self except this list of contradictions I thought could endear a person to me. But I gave that away to Hannah as she really liked it. I have never kept a poem for myself.

I had a very busy morning today; tripartite commission meeting, senate committee elections etc had me running all over the place. By the time tickers were sent, stories filed I was exhausted. And I couldn’t care less about my work.

There’s a time and a place and a reason…this isn’t my time, I’m out of place and I have lost all reason.

I missed Saniya today…she’s usually the only person whom I confide in these days…hopefully I will see her this week. I need to.

Nubla and I were talking today and she said like a magic genie, that if I did something for her, I could have three wishes.

And yet, I can’t think of anything more than what I have right now. I don’t know if I am satisfied with my life or indifferent to it.

During our conversation, I said to Nubla that I believe that InshaAllah things will work out for her and she said that she seriously doubted me. I can recall at least a few times when Nubla has said the same to me…

I wonder why we are so sanguine about other people’s fate and so cynical about our own.