I believe I read this some years back. A person thinks as per his/her vocabulary. For instance, I could never think a scenario to be alloyed if the word alloy was not a part of my vocabulary. I think it’s a fair enough judgment though it warrants a further speculation.

Yesterday, after much deliberation, Nubla, Sana & I took Saniya out. It was her first wedding anniversary and that too away from her husband. Omer Bhai is in US and Saniya has been trying to procure a visa but has been unfortunately, unsuccessful. Nubla & I wanted her to ‘not be alone’ but she wanted to stay at home and sulk. However, Nubla and I decided that she shouldn’t. So I devised a scheme with Nubla as my co-conspirator. We convinced Saniya that ‘I’ was depressed. Reason being that it was my first anniversary as a ‘woman scorned’ sans fury and I was consequently desolate and in desperate need of my friends. Nubla acted the part of the worried friend and Saniya relented.

I played the part of a depressed soul because as per my vocabulary, it’s the only state I am qualified for. I can’t be happy, I can’t be satisfied. I can’t be adventurous or zealous about anything in particular. Such is the sad limit of my vocabulary.

So, yesterday, we went out to dinner.

As planned, we purchased a silver ring with green and white Zircons for Saniya. This is my latest fascination, birth stones. Anyhoo, Saniya’s in-laws graciously lent us a car and we spent the evening at Cinnamon…a very quiet place. Then we spent some time window shopping and came home.

The days I can handle…nights are another story.

Sometimes, I think till this time last year, my life lacked the requisite ‘X-factor’ so Allah ji gave me an ‘EX’.

It’s been a year to this day. And as they say in Urdu…mai nai aik aik din gin kai guzara hai. I have factually counted everyday. I look at my room today and I see not much has changed. At least, I myself have made no changes. I still remember the place where he sat when we first met. Sometimes, I feel he’s still there and I have only to extend my hand and reach him…

It’s funny how a year can pack a distance of eternity between us.

There may be a battle of sexes but in my life…there’s only a battle of the exes. And he’s winning. Life is certainly on his side. I sometimes think that I would have forgiven him if only once he had had the guts to admit that he had deceived me. Really, I know I have the strength to have forgiven him. I would have attended his wedding and I would have given him the presents I bought for him. If only he had been a man.

I know I never loved him…but I did love the man I thought he was!

I know someday I will meet him again. This is not the end of our story. It can’t be.

I just hope, I meet him on my terms and on my turf whenever that happens.

I do however wish I had met someone else in this time. I hate for him to being the only person who entered my life in that capacity and with that outcome. But I have always been a closed door that required a particular key. I guess this is my end. I was never very feminine so I can’t consider myself entitled to such pleasures and pursuits. I never had any love to give… being as cold and detached as I am. So there’s no big loss to this world.

And yet, I feel vacant. I’ve been talking to Nubla about it and she agrees that in all the time she’s known me, I have never been so bitter. She thinks I am going into depression. Now, for us Psychology students, Depression is not a couple of hours of ‘being down’. It means a period of bleakness. It means not all is well. It means, I need help.

Now, I know that. Though I kept on telling Nubla that I am fine. Unhappy but fine. I know I am not. I know that I need a miracle to start believing in myself again.

Now, where do I place a request for a miracle?