Bitter Sweet Symphony This Life

Two weeks left before the sun dawns on a new year. The year 2005, indubitably has been a very important year in my life. Numerological calculations attribute the number 7 to 2005 and 7 is supposed to be my name number. Well, numerology or not, it doesn’t take a genius to know that I have experienced a lot in just this one year.

I am probably going to be writing this in segments as per the flashbacks. I used to have a journal that I wrote almost daily. It contained me, all of me. My dreams, my hopes, my ambitions, every little significant or insipid detail was in that journal. I don’t have that journal anymore so everything I may be recalling is purely from memory till the month of June. After that, I have my blog so there might be more accuracy in the recollections.

The year started off with me in the bed. Typhoid was the reason and for the first time in my life, I understood what a blessing health is. One of the side effects of medicine was insomnia so I also learnt how important sleep is. Both my brothers were in Karachi and bhai’s wedding preparations were in full swing when I fell ill. My parents, may Allah bless them, looked after me. My mother took to sleeping in my room so I wont have to get up if I needed something. Alhumdulilah, I recovered in ten days and was back on my feet to get things done in time for Bhai’s wedding.

Bhai’s wedding is the highlight of the year for my family. Aban became a member of our family and I really couldn’t have asked for a better sister in law. I had known her for a few years before she and bhai decided to get married. I really do think that Aban is a blessing for our family. And not just her, bhai’s in laws are MashaAllah one of the nicest families I have ever known. The wedding day itself was quite hectic but went pretty smooth as did the valima Alhumdulilah.

The only significant day I can recall from Feb-March is 25th march. It was saddy’s birthday and I was supposed to meet her for lunch. I think it was 11 o’ clock and I was sitting lazily in my office when the receptionist called me to the visitor’s area. I rarely get visitors so I was surprised and then I was overwhelmed. Adeel, my friend whom I had not met in almost three years since he moved to Germany for studies was visiting Pakistan and decided to give me a surprise visit. He had changed so much but I still recognized him. We were just sitting and catching up on old times when I got a call from stock market. The three stock exchanges in Pakistan had undergone a huge upsurge and then a massive slump in just a month. There was a protest going on outside the ISE and An told me to rush to the spot. I excused myself and rushed to the market, got in the middle of the angry mob and for the first time went live from Islamabad, my very first exclusive breaking news. I remember meeting saddy & shirin for lunch and then in the evening bhai, aban, saddy and I went to watch Mulan Rouge in Islamabad club. It was a thoroughly enjoyable & memorable day.

The only significant feeling I recall from April is the realization that I was a girl and that I had to get married. For some reason, I was hounded by proposals and for the first time I completely realized that getting married was not an option anymore. My parents then finally decided to accept a proposal and everything was finalized except the formality of my meeting the chosen person. On the night of 28th April, I met him for the first time. Half hour later, we were engaged.
I was on cloud nine.
In the week following, I learnt first hand how the most beautiful things in life can become the most sordid nightmares. I won’t go into details. He doesn’t deserve the time. I will say this though that he was a lesson I had to learn.
6th May, a week before my wedding, a week after the engagement, my wedding was called off. The very same day, my boss called me in his office and gave me a raise along with a promotion and a very important piece of advice that literally changed my life. I know he and I have our differences especially his reservations about my wearing a scarf but he has done more for me then he will ever realize or I will ever let him know. I just know that Allah rescued me as He always does and my boss was the instrument.
May, June & July are a haze. I don’t remember much except that I was very depressed. I lived through an ever changing labyrinth of Thursdays, Fridays and Wednesday nights. Those were dark months and I spent my time, especially the month of monsoon in the rains, irrespective of the time of day or night. I lost a friend in those months, somebody very important to me once. But moving on is a very important lesson that I have learnt this year.
This was the first summer after a very long time when my whole family was whole after years. Though I have always known that I had a good family, it was in those days that I realized what a gem every person in my family is. I know I have never done anything in my life to deserve everything I have but I sure am grateful for every single blessing Allah has bestowed on me.
August, I took days off to appear in my CSS exam. The purpose was simple; spend sometime studying which proved highly therapeutic. Though my job helped me stay on track, I still needed time away from people. So I stayed at home, read books, watched movies and went for walks with sanny and Aban.
I celebrated yet another birthday this September with birthdays completely losing their charm for me. I know I sound pained and weary but I think it’s about realizing that birthday is just another day. And then maybe adeel’s words had some effect as well. Something along the lines that lets congratulate the earth for completing n number of rounds around the sun since we were born. Really, what’s the point?
This Ramzan was special because for the first time, I gave zakat on my savings. I know its no big deal but for someone like me who was generally believed to be unmotivated in terms of having a career, this is a significant sign that my life has turned out otherwise. I remember this girl once read my palm in college. She told me then that I probably won’t even complete my B.A and that I would never earn any money on my own. If nothing else, she has been proven wrong.
The earthquake in October cannot be overlooked. It has changed millions of lives completely this year forever. Alhumdulilah and I can never thank Allah for that, but my family is intact and that to me is a great blessing. For the first time I realized how fragile the thread of life is. We say that life is unpredictable but it is only in times like these that we realize that it truly is a capricious creature.
My CSS result came out a few days back and Alhumdulilah I passed which really is nothing short of a miracle.
Other than that, many significant things took place this year.
My bhabhi went to Williams on Fulbright Scholarship.
I traveled for the first time on a helicopter, on a bike and saddy gave me a ride in her convertible Daihatsu Spider.
For the first time in my life, I was broke in May.
For the first time in my life, I have Alhumdulilah enough money to travel on my own.
I had a wedding dress stitched for myself that I paid for myself and never even got to see how it turned out.
Saba & Usman finally tied the knot MashaAllah.
Nubla is getting nikah-o-fied today MashaAllah.
All in all this has been a very significant year. I know that as a person I am much stronger than I was a year back.
I am more aware of myself and my surroundings.
I know that I can never count and thus thank Allah for His blessings but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t even try.
I have realized that life is not an option but at the same time, it’s a great blessing indeed.
I have realized that friendships are not everlasting.
People change.
I am not in love with the idea of love anymore.
I’ve learnt that every time we get over something, we lose a part of ourselves and that is not really a bad thing in most cases.
I have accepted that marriage is not necessarily a part of life and for the first time I am not scared of living and being alone.
I’ve learnt that happiness can come in any shape, anytime at all.
I don’t want to get married anymore. Life’s fine and the logical sequence is more of a social phenomenon than anything else.
I have also learnt that the dreams I painted were mirages and that expecting anything so incredible from any person is unfair.
I have learnt that people are not always what they portray themselves to be but trusting them is my prerogative.
I have learnt that simplest intentions can be misread.
Sometimes, not getting what you want is truly a stroke of luck.
Sometimes even people I love and trust don’t really understand me and that’s alright. We are not meant to be understood all the time.
I have learnt to let go of people I’ve loved. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary.
And most of all I have learnt that there are no guarantees and that really is the charm & beauty of life.