19th November
07:35 a.m.
Here I am at the office, yawning my head off. There are only two kinds of people who are up working at this hour, those cleaning the roads and those who are nuts. I, as everyone knows, am in the latter category.

Its bhai’s birthday today and we spent the past evening watching this movie starring ‘the Rock’ titled Standing Tall. One dumb movie and a cramp (I got a cramp in my leg, been happening since I started jogging) later, I was really sleepy. So I turned on the alarm and fell asleep. At 2355 I dragged myself out of my bed, lit the birthday candle, picked up bhai’s birthday present and barged into his room. Bhai was asleep as well and I woke him up. In the process of carrying the chocolate delight with a lighted candle in my hands and bending to wake up bhai, my hair caught fire. Not all my hair, a few strands but that was enough for me to freak out; I then banged my knee into the bed. Certainly not the way I had planned bhai’s birthday party. Anyhoo, bhai blew out the candle while I blew out my hair. Shan called and I had somebody else to share my agony with. After our little celebration, I came back to my room and tried sleeping, very very unsuccessfully.

I finished my last blog about two days back. I wanted to revert to writing an old fashioned diary but I really don’t have the time in the evenings. Besides, I wanted to get a typewriter but that aint happening anytime soon, so this new blog till I manage something.

Its Donor’s conference today and that is why I am here in office so early. Although there were some 50 countries invited but only 25 agreed to show up. Pakistan needs a lot of money and so far we have only received a quarter of what we need. But what’s really amusing me right now is how the media is trying to beat each other with different locations and angles. I have been thinking lately about the true responsibility of media. Our channel showed a woman dying due to her wounds a week after the earthquake. I know a lot has been said about it. I think that at the time that program was aired, it was necessary for people to know that there were areas where no help had reached and people were dying. People are still dying. But where do we draw the line? Day before yesterday, I visited AFRIM with the Abu Dhabi television crew. Their senior producer was with Al-Jazeera before joining AD. His cameraman covered the Afghanistan war all by himself. He was telling how lonely it was there. All he ever got to film were conflicts, clashes and corpses. There were days when he didn’t have anybody around to say a single word to. The senior producer told me that he has been a journalist for 21 years and all he can say is that the media sells bodies. It thrives on wars and flourishes on conflicts. I agree with him to the extent that the major names in journalism are of those people who were war correspondents at one point. A good anchor person is that which breaks the barriers and gets the guest to make statements that he/she wouldn’t otherwise. So then what is our choice? To be someone who withdraws from truth or to be someone who sells the truth?

Talking about the truth, in just one day, I have been more truthful to myself than I have been in almost a year. Quoting George, ‘it’s amazing the clarity that comes from psychotic distrust’. And well the truth is that I have been acting completely out of character. The truth is that I have been scared witless. The truth is that I have been acting like a thirteen year old who doesn’t know better. The truth is that the thought of my dreams perishing made me take steps I would never have taken otherwise. The truth is that the fear of unknown coupled with my nightmares of impending reality distorted my understanding completely.

And the truth brings out more questions. The Sr. Producer from AD told me that he has noticed a particular line called trauma line on the affectees palms. While he was telling me about his observations, I noticed that his lines were very straight and clear. Mine on the other hand are not. I asked him about this and he offered me his explanation. He said that girls usually have complicated hands because they are fragile. And because they are fragile, they need complex defense mechanisms. And when we see someone acting out of character, it is because they are scared of the outcome.

Am I really that scared?

And what am I really scared of?

Well one thing I am scared of is losing my cell phone now. I lost it twice in a span of twenty four hours. And I am afraid that if I don’t get up now, I’ll not be able to have my office breakfast of ‘pooriyan and channai’. So im off!