There’s a part of me that radically wants to turn around…turn my life into the dream I had. I am nearing yet another birthday…Lord knows how many I have left.

Every time…every single time I think of the life I want…my dream so to say…I think of the person I once was. The girl I used to be who stood in a lonely corner of a mosque looking out to the sea drenched in moonlight…praying. I think of the girl sitting and crying in the Hateem, who somehow believed that things will turn out beautifully if she said the right words…made the right moves.

During the budget transmission, I worked till late in the evening. Shan picked me up and since it was time for Isha Prayers…we went to Faisal Mosque. Evenings in Islamabad have been pleasant lately. That and the proximity of the Masjid to margalla hills made the place appear more comfortable. I sat on the steps next to an old lady…and much to my surprise…there were a fair lot of people there. Most of them visitors from other cities…but it was heartening to know that there still people who prefer coming to mosques.

As I sat in the masjid…I had this overwhelming feeling of somehow being in a place where it was alright to be every bit of a person I am. Tears came naturally.

I believe when a person reaches a point when they know that they need to do something outstanding to put some meaning into their life…they need to start an internal accountability process. Find out where and what they did wrong. What needs to be changed…it requires strength and that only comes from within.

The thing is…I am through thinking. I am through writing. I am through wishing my life will take a positive turn. I am through hoping for miracles. This is my life. My circumstances won’t explain my existence…my actions will. Just And I can’t postpone life….can I?