I stand as naïve as one can possibly be.

People think I am the face of a modern girl…I am educated, some might even say enlightened…strong enough to make a decision on my own, sometimes stubborn enough to stick to it as well. I have a job, a career that will surely take me places…a lifestyle I chose for myself.

But I question…

Is this who I really am?

A while back, I had some questions on existence…basic queries whose answers I was searching for. Now I don’t even have those. Today I stand alone!

I was out walking just now, and I looked at my shadow and not for the first time did I feel that I was alone.

And I am lonely.

I don’t know who left first. Did I leave or did Allah ji decide I was hopeless.

I miss Him though. I wonder if he misses me.

But can He miss me, a mere mortal?

I am disposable, a dime a dozen! I die today and no one will mourn the Batool that I once was.

wooooooooh!!!

I know its been ages!!!

where do i start???

Saddy got married and MashaAllah she and Moiz Bhai looked so good and so happy together. the mayoon was on the 7th which i missed (still kicking myself) since i couldn't make it to isloo on the weekend. The Mehndi was awesome and i mean awesome. Saddy looked lovely and Moiz bhai was certainly the happiest guy in the world. I honestly couldn't take my eyes off the two of them.

If Saddy looked lovely on the mehndi...she took my breath away on the wedding. I mean, i may probably sound biased cuz well...she is my best mate...but really and i mean really...i think she was just splendid...!!!

i wish i could upload her pictures but siiigh!!

i will try when i get back to Islamabad.

i missed her Valima as well...still kicking myself. i had planned on taking a chance seat on airblue but saturday night...i had the worst attack of cough in my entire life!!! i was up coughing for hours and i mean hours!!! by the morning...i was actually begging my mother to take me to the emergency!!!

I know i probably sound like a brat but ever since i've moved to Lahore it's one ailment after another. i've had the worse possible backache putting me on bed rest for a week, i 've had kidney pain, and this chest infection now. that's three major health problems in four months. I've never never been like this.

other than that...i've actually decided to stick to Civil Services of Pakistan. Something has made me realise that this is the road less travelled. So i am takin' it!!! lets see if it makes a difference!

and yes!!! this is the first year of my life... that i am actually looking forward to. Last year was spectacular...this year i am holding my breath for something great. May Allah give me the strength, the patience and the fortitude i need , ameen:)

So I’ve made my decision!

They say that do one thing everyday that scares you. I decided to join civil services for all the reasons it scared me to join civil service. I was scared of away from being away from the people I love, doing something as boring as accounts, scared of the atrociously low salary that the govt. officers are expected to survive on…scared of not being close to the one person who means more to me than anything else in the world…I was so scared…and I still am!!!

But they say that when you’re scared of the monsters in the closet…you need to muster up the courage to go and open the closet and see for yourself what is really there.

So I decided to do just that!

I still don’t know how this will work…I very honestly don’t!!

But I have made my decision. I hope Allah sees me through this…as He always has!!!

I went home this weekend and next week, saddy’s dholki’s are starting. Eagerly looking forward to that. I have selected my clothes already! I just have to manage how I will travel to Isloo from Lahore. My term ends this December inshaAllah.

Today my military attachment started and what I love the best is their tea breaks!!! Their snacks are better than the food we’re eating at CSA!

Other than that, we visited the Tenacious Ten and went onto the Army Aviations HQs. I sat in Mushaq and a helicopter! And it was fun!!

I still have 19 more days of military attachment and I resolve to have as much fun as I possibly can...inshaAllah : )

Sometimes I wonder how I reached this point. Only a month back, I was the girl who stood to lose nothing. I had two jobs to choose from…both seemed like excellent options. Maybe they still are…but I am tired of this constant battle inside me. I am tired of this never-ending debate that remains inconclusive. And I am running out of time.

I spoke to Yasir Sahab…we met in Lahore as we were interviewing Karen Armstrong. After the interview, he walked me to my dad’s place and I told him all that has been on my mind. And he said “Girl! I can see what a dilemma you’re in!!!” his advice…take a risk or work with the people who have taken a risk.

Saddy says that I sound unhappy. And I guess I am. Day in and day out, I sit in a class, listen to people go on and on about Lord knows what and I can barely keep my eyes open.

I miss home!!

And even though I am getting to play tennis…that I can do back home with a little time management.

Stability? Is civil service really offering me stability when I am going nuts here! And this job has only just started.

Do I really crave excitement? Yes! Sometimes I do. But really, what I want is to go home to my family in the evening.

I remember, back in Beirut, after the day’s work was done…I’d come back to an empty room…and think…what am I doing? And here, I have set myself up for another ordeal. I like my room mate…but honestly…everything that I am sacrificing…is it really worth it?

And I don’t to be in a place where I can’t hang out with my friends in the evening. Here, I feel caged!

But am I being too hasty or too emotional? Or am I being too objective…too practical? Why must my decision be either of the two?

Earlier, I was in a place where if people weren’t very appreciative…they were still not rude. Here, I seem to have entered an arena of egos!

I have only a few days left before my leave at aaj expires. I need to make a move now! I very seriously do.

Allah ji!! I haven’t been a good girl…but stand by me…please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so I write again!!!

I don’t know if it really was a writer’s block or because I simply don’t feel the need to write anymore. But in any case, I am writing again…at least for now.

There is so much to write about. So much to tell!! In a way, my life has turned upside down. I left my job as a journalist…left a world of possibilities behind. I left Islamabad…the city I will always call my home. I am in Lahore, the city I was born in. I have left behind a world of quiet certainty and embarked on a journey that will take me to completely unchartered territory. Lord knows if I have done right.

And in this move, I as a person have deteriorated beyond repair. I have taken steps I had promised myself I would never take.

And despite all this…I have never been so at peace…so optimistic in my entire life. Maybe it’s the month of Ramazan…maybe its this general feeling of looking forward to future…I don’t know…I do know that I want to embrace every minute of it.

The urge to write…disappears again!

I know i dont blog anymore like i used to do. For one thing, blogspot has once again been banned and i cant see my blog. For another, my time and thoughts have become devoted to something totally different.

I dont know how to describe it. It's the amazing warm feeling with the tinge of apprehension. While on one hand I am happy, on the other I want to hold onto the feeling forever and I dont know how to make it last. Though I am learning to take one day at a time, I want to dream and smile. And even though I want this to be eternal, somehow I cant find the words to pray.

See, why I dont blog anymore. I find the words difficult to come by. It's a whole carnival of emotions i have never experienced before and i just dont know what to do with myself.

Anyhoo, back to the real world.

I am inshaAllah off to Karachi tomorrow. I'll inshaAllah meet up with Sam and Ali and if possible, will try to catch Pirates of the Carribean at cineplex. I've been told that it has been raining in Karachi so lets see how tht goes. Then inshaAllah on Sunday i'll catch a flight to Khatmandu for a workshop. I'm really looking forward to it.

No he didnt remember my birthday and yes it doesnt matter anymore.

Jane Austen wrote that there is no finer balm for the pangs of love than friendship. And I completely agree. If it wasn’t for Sadaf’s love, Sana’s considerate nature and Nubla’s thoughtfulness, my birthday would have drowned in my tears completely.

But it didn’t!!!

So whether I am in love or not, whether I am heart broken or not, I am and always will be grateful to Allah ji for being there for me and giving me friends that go out of their way to cheer me up and warm my heart with their love and concern. And even if I spend my life being grateful to Allah ji for Him and for you three, I am sure I will still not be grateful enough.